I live in the dystopian future of my youth

I hate and love this world. I would do anything for my children, and have a soft place in my heart for anything that suffers. But "hell is other people" - I see us as the source of everything that makes this life unbearable. I respect and love all living things, and consider humans to be something special, but I also see us as the reason life on Earth can't be harmonious, peaceful, or gratifying. We've turned this world into the unnatural, scary, hellish future I've always feared, and as my decades slip quickly past, I can no longer envision how it could ever be made right.

We've lost our culture, we've erased over all our old languages. Everything tolerable at this point is just a derivative caricature of something else - something good and real but now forgotten. We can only occasionally catch a glimpse of what matters to our souls, a wispy ethereal memory, a dream of a feeling of a fantasy. We live in a phony and broken world built on top of the faded distant past that once anchored our spirits to this realm. We are at perpetual war with ourselves and with Nature - a species that destroys itself and everything around it.

I wish these thoughts would go away. But they aren't really thoughts, they're realizations, and the more I know, the more it hurts.

We eat, we shit, we drink, we piss. We sleep, we seek pleasure, we clean ourselves, we tidy our surroundings. We consume, and defile, and deplete. We busy ourselves with the mundane. Most people never get past that, in an entire lifetime. Most have no idea where they came from, or where they're going.

I don't want to hunger anymore. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to miss those I love who have died, or who I can't be with. I don't want to be tired anymore. I would miss the satisfaction of eating my favourite foods, of hearing my children laugh, of my favourite music, of the chirping little birds my grandmother loved so much. Well, I wouldn't miss those things. I just wouldn't get to experience them again. But seeking out those pleasures - a personal hedonistic existentialism - isn't enough to justify perpetual suffering. It doesn't seem right to put myself through that, or to ask the world around me to tolerate my survival.

I no longer have even one-way communication with my 2 oldest children.

Hope?

When I was waking up in the mid 2000s, we said "things are going to change, people are waking up, this nightmare can't go on much longer". That was almost 20 years ago now, and I was a young man. Soon I'll be 50, and by my account, we're much further away from freedom and reality than we've ever been.

My heart hasn't been beating properly for well over a year. I have one foot in the grave, and can't seem to get it back out, like I can't make a decision. I'm not usually the indecisive type.

I watched over the past 3 years as just about every human on the planet - several billion of them - lost their minds and resigned themselves to slavery, debasement, and outright submission to (supposed) authority. I watched as my wife and our little babies were segregated from society for choosing medical autonomy, subjugated with no recourse, and nobody to come to our rescue. My heart sank every day, knowing this evil is only going to grow, and that even if it takes a month or even a year off, it is ultimately coming for those of us who resist, and will decimate my sweet innocent children. I recoiled in horror from the machine's minions who chased me down for not cowering in fear, covering my family's faces in public, and taking injections I knew weren't in anyone's best interest. And now that they've unmasked themselves and are walking among us like nothing ever happened, I know they'll jump at the chance to do the bidding of whoever or whatever is seen as their master of the moment. When it calls them, they will be ready to cast my children into the volcano. I have tried for a generation now to reach them, using just about every tactic I can muster, but they can't be reached.

I'm waiting on the world to change, but the world is the way it is because of us, and we are never going to overcome our flawed character. The human race is in a race to the bottom. The beginning of the end was before my time, but I was alive to see the last good year - 1999. Everything's already been done, the good times have been had, and now we're coasting on the fumes of days gone by.

I don't want to hope anymore. Hope is the perpetual desire for a better future that isn't coming.

The end of life is the beginning of peace. Oblivion is the only freedom in a nightmare world, the only solace for our splintered psyches, the last adventure we all have to undertake. Some day, sooner rather than later, we will be free.

I don't want to be imperfect anymore, don't want to fail anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm 80 anymore. I don't want to fight for freedom that never comes anymore. I don't want to struggle, to feel inadequate, to fake a smile, to wake but wish I hadn't.

I want to dream the final dream. I want to go over the event horizon. I want to let go.

DRutter