I AM FOR YOU

I am FOR you!

These were the exact words I heard at a point of my life when I got so tired.

I was tired of the constant body-shaming. Tired of clothes not looking good on me. Tired of walking on the street and getting mocked. Tired of the little or no attention I got as much as I tried..

I was tired of crying everyday. I was tired of wallowing in self pity. I was tired of slipping in and out of depression and most especially, I WAS TIRED OF PRAYING ABOUT IT.

I've had my hopes crashed time and time again. I've been disappointed by this God as often as possible. I was tired of hoping and trusting him to do something.

I'll rather abandon my only source of hope. To me, I'll rather remain hopeless than trust a God that will never hear my cries. A God that will watch the whole of my life be messed up because of something he can do. A 'loving God' that delights in watching me cry my eyes out and do absolutely nothing.

It didn't just make sense to me. I'll rather choose to stay hopeless than watch a God toy with my emotions and take advantage of my vulnerability.

And there I was, away from him. No sense of covering and security. Totally empty and depressed. I couldn't deal any longer.

So I ran back to him. Not out of repentance but out of necessity. He was my last and only resort.

And this is when he told me... "Hey child, I am always FOR you". That word feels so ordinary at the surface level but here's the meaning.

The times I was body-shamed, we were in it together because he is FOR me. The times I cried, he was touched with the feelings of my infirmities because he is FOR me. When my heart bled, he bled too because he is FOR me

I realized, GOD IS NEVER THE ENEMY. So instead of thinking of how to ditch him when next I get overwhelmed in my state, I'll remember. We are in this together.

And instead of letting the pain push me away, I'll jump into his arms and rest in his embrace. I'll trust him for the grace to get through this phase TOGETHER.

I'll remember. The battles of life is not me against God. It is me in God, we'll cry together. We'll be hurt together but never will I consider leaving. He's not the enemy. He's my 'co-warrior'....

PS: Have you heard about a God that never loses a battle?... It's him you're doing this with