The Hamster Wheel of Hope

I can remember how sweaty my palms were as I approached the front of the classroom, fearing the grip on my hamster cage was simply going to give way, and convinced that all the rehearsing my mom and I had done about my furry little friend and I over the weekend was not even close to being enough to carry me through the next five minutes of my life, as all those disinterested and judgmental faces glared at me.

My knobbly knees and pale white “freckle infested” legs carried me toward that overwhelming green chalk board - and as I turned around to face the classroom beginning the process of humiliation, I can remember absolutely nothing! I went into complete auto-pilot and words just started rolling off my tongue again and again, until they eventually stopped!

I stood there, feeling like I was going to disintegrate into a heap on the floor with only my uniform left behind. “Excellent” Miss Cunningham declared! The class began to clap and just like that - from Fear to Fame! I grinned like a Cheshire cat and strutted back to my desk to enjoy the rest of the fear induced debauchery which was “class orals” in the 80’s.

Things improved from that point forward (for a moment anyway) - a little dose of confidence can carry one a fair way forward. Thankfully, I won my primary school award for “Best Speaker” before life decided to kick me in the vagina and give me my first ever lesson of “those boots don’t fit you missy!” and “how about you get back in line - it’s not your turn for glamour and glory, the waiting list is as long as the wall of China!”.

Pretty much been hitting my head against that never-ending wall ever since!

My “verbal voice” may not be as loud these days, but life grants you the gifts of many outlets if you are receptive to them. I began writing a long time ago… mostly, this passion was born during time spent in Friday afternoon detention, lol. Truly - that was where I discovered that I loved creative writing! The optimist in me, believes that this was their intention all along when getting us “Friday afternoon rebels” to pick a topic out of hat and write an essay on it for the following two hours… genius! Haha! Makes a lot more sense than shoving a bunch of teens into a room together with nothing to do but throw paper planes at one another. Well, it served me well - everything happens for a reason?! I think so.

“You will never amount to anything” - words muttered to me by one of the department heads in high school - was not a moment I considered worthy of the “everything happens for a reason” basket back then - but it is now - because it fueled me. I did not see that then, but I do see it now. Several years later, in my mid twenties, I had started a free local print publication. About a year after its launch, I received a letter via snail mail from that very same department head - asking ME, the good for nothing loser - to please donate to his “personal cause”. Life works in mysterious ways - but she is always working, and she does not need any of us to help turn the cogs. No. I did not donate to his “cause” - just in case anybody was wondering. I did smile though.

Someone was complimentary toward me recently saying that they were certain I would have ended up precisely where I have, even if I had not gone through the many challenges I have. Grateful as I was, for such a vote of confidence - I cannot honestly say that I think this would have been the case. My subjection to hurt and rejection repeatedly over the years is precisely why I have more empathy and time for those less understood. It is also what has directed my life path… and led me to where I am now. Have I found myself? No. But I continue to search for the award winning, hamster holding little girl which braved the world despite how she may be judged.

Part of that path of self-discovery, is me… right here, now - sharing with all of you!

Hello, I am Jayne. Nice to "meet you".

❤❤❤

Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea

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