FAITH AND FEELINGS

You know I realized that for so long I had battled with so many ill feelings. I would simply say, "well God got this" and move.

Of course I believe that God got me, what I didn't believe is that God wanted to get my feelings too.

So away, I bottled them.

I will pretend that I was okay. I guess it's that erroneous thinking that when we come to God, we got to come with some sort of perfection, or we think the way we feel surprises God. Probably God would be disgusted to find out that we feel the way we do.

Maybe our feelings are actually messed up, really messed up. But I've come to realize that God signed up for some messes when He chose me.

I mean, I do not surprise God. There's absolutely nothing that I could come up with that would be new to Him. I'm not that intelligent.

So I decided that you know what, I'm gonna be honest. When all my ill feelings began to overwhelm me, I had to admit that I wasn't okay. And I realized that was okay.

I decided to not hide my messy feelings from God. I realized that my faith and my feelings can exist together. I realized that God signed up for ALL of me. He doesn't want my pieces. He doesn't want my 'holy jolly' side only. He sees through me.

I have chosen to not be okay, but to not be okay in God's arms. I'm gonna feel terrible either way , I'd rather cry in my daddy's arms. I mean if I'm sick, I'd prefer to be sick at home,on my bed, in the midst of family. Anyone else get that feeling?

It's the same thing. If I'm gonna be broken, I'd rather God had all my pieces. If I'm gonna be not okay, I'd be not okay where God is. So I'm no longer running. I'm confessing truth over my life, and also admitting that I'm hurt. I'm choosing my faith over my feelings, but I'm admitting those feelings exist. God is willing to walk me through my pain. He is willing to be in that process with me.

I've realized that with God, it's okay not to be okay.