The Lonesome Lake

Today makes it what, 5 years? I can't believe that it has been that long. It still feels like you were gone yesterday and since I have been missing you every single day, time doesn't even know how to begin to heal my wounds.

Wounds, I had lots of them when we first when to this place. I was in no shape to hike but I still did my best because I knew that you love it and you nagged me for months to go with you. You told me that seeing the lake on top of the mountain will forever change my life, and you're right. It did. It made my world a whole lot bigger and it opened up a lot of possibilities for me. I never knew that I could do it, I never knew that I would like it, but I did. Big time.

Time and time again after that, we go back to the place where we poured our hearts out and we really connected, emotionally, physically, and intimately. Who would have thought that making out on top of the mountain and in the lake will be hotter than the hot steam of hot springs? We were happy. We were in love.

Love can really make humans do a lot of things. Some are good, some are bad, and some are just so bizarre that they don't really make sense to the human mind. I never thought that I would enjoy hiking or skinny dipping in the most extreme climate atop there, but since I was with you, I enjoyed every single thing. The wounds don't matter, the cramps didn't bother me, and all those mosquito bites were never an issue for me. I would just do anything for you, it's because simply...I love you.

You were my world, you were my everything and you were the one that I have ever wanted. So that one time when we climbed the place again, I was equipped with a ring and all of my courage and my heart was racing through my mouth. I don't know if it was the adrenaline or the nerves but I screamed at you asking you to marry me. You were shocked, you were surprised, and you cried. And I was thankful that those were tears of joy and not just because you were scared that I would just push you down to fall when you said no.

No, it hasn't been easy. Our relationship had its highs and it definitely had its lows, but I thought that we were going to endure the extremities of the relationship together. I may have been too busy with myself that I didn't realize that you were drifting away and the distance between is ascent keeps getting bigger and bigger. It grew so big that we can't see each other anymore. We used to climb the mountain side by side but now, it feels like one is on top and the other was left at home and couldn't be bothered at all.

All the emotions and all the heartache came into a dramatic explosion when I saw you f*cking him right on top of our bed. I was looking through the window and it felt like I was looking into another world, another you. My heart was screaming and I was holding back my shouting with my knuckle covering my mouth. Tears were flowing down my face but the emotions were all mixed up. I was guilty, I was hurt, I was broken, and I was out of my mind. That night, I drowned myself with vodka while you were drowning yourself with all of his fluid. It was a mess.

Mess. That's what you can call my state of mind back then. I don't know what I was doing. I was aware, I can see everything, but I don't have any control over anything. I can still remember that one cold morning when we climbed the mountain again together, for the very last time. It was quiet and our connection was colder than the winter breeze. It was scary. We got to the top and we went straight to the lake to freshen up.

Up in the sky, I looked and searched for any sign, any guidance, and any indication that I should stop. But I found nothing. We were able to climb the mountain we climbed many times before but this time, I dreaded it. I hated it. And I didn't know what to do. You were there seated with your feet dipped in the water. I walked up to you and just pulled you forcefully into the water. I held your head into the water and submerged you in it until your hands stopped flailing and you stopped breathing. I tied a huge rock on you and threw you into the deeper part of the lake. You never went back up again.

Again, I walked up to this spot every year just to see you again. I cry I suffer, and I just look into the water and nothingness wishing I could see your face again.