Let me preface this by saying I've been single for about 4 years now. I've dated during this period, had a great time and lots of fun but nothing serious...Nothing that made me want to reevaluate my future. I feel like my mind has been shifting for the past decade, and all my past experiences and relationships have brought me to this point in my life - the moment I realized I deserved better than anything I was ever given.
Dating has been a bit tricky for me from the get-go. I always felt out of place, kinda like I was born in the wrong decade - a feeling that grew even stronger after watching "Midnight in Paris".
To elaborate, it's not like I'm dreaming of a fairy tale love story with the perfect man, who always says the right thing at the right time. No. What I want is simple, yet extremely hard to come across nowadays. And it's ironic in a way because we live in such a modern era where you can find anything your mind can think of, online. However, online dating, that's a whole other story.
The only common denominator in all my past relationships has been me. So you would think, and I won't blame you, that I'm the problem. Whatever reason there was for these relationships not to work out should've been closely related to me. I mean, yes, I won't deny I probably had something to do with my dating failures. As we all know, there are three sides to every story - mine, yours and the truth. And the truth in my case is that I hadn't realized how much past trauma can affect our present. My present. The way I think, the way I see the world, the way I act around others, the way I love...
I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. My parents separated when I was about 8 due to irreconcilable differences, as per my dad. That's definitely not what I remember. One of my earliest memories is my dad trying to choke my baby brother in the dark, thinking it was my mom. Sounds like a movie, doesn't it? I wish it was. I wish I could rewind the tape and delete all the screams at night while my brother and I were trying to fall asleep; all the bloody fingerprints my innocent 4-year old eyes spotted all over our apartment; all the crying under the pile of clothes, hoping no one would find me. Unfortunately, all this continued throughout the years after they got divorced. I used to hate my birthdays because they would always end up with police getting involved, picking up my dad as he drank a little too much and used his fists to show his dominance over my mom. I also remember the moment my mom decided to strike back and fight him. Again, on my birthday - July 15th is a special date in our family. Can you imagine growing up like this? Witnessing these events repeat themselves year after year. While my friends were talking about their latest adventure during summer vacation, I was internally screaming and crying, and hoping to feel peace and happiness one day.