Last night my husband filmed my succulent collection and posted it on Douyin. Big mistake. Now the whole world's coming for my green babies!
I quit posting plant photos on WeChat years ago. Every time Auntie Li or Cousin Wang saw my jade plants, they'd demand:"Give me that pot! And the ceramic planter too!" But here's the kicker - they'd kill my precious succulents within weeks and never return the empty pots. Refuse them? Suddenly I'm "the stingy witch who hoards plants."
So imagine my horror when my dear husband proudly showed me his viral TikTok - 200+ pots of my carefully nurtured echeverias and snake plants on display! By midnight, his phone became Santa's hotline: college buddies wanting "just a small one," his boss hinting about office decoration, distant relatives suddenly remembering we're family.
"Can't refuse Old Zhang - we owe him a favor!"
"Director Wang might help our kid's school transfer!"
"Third Aunt's neighbor's daughter wants wedding decorations!"
We had our biggest fight in years. I told him: "You promised, you solve it! Buy them fake plants from the flower market if you want. Not a single leaf leaves my balcony!" Call me petty? Go ahead. These plants are my pandemic therapy, my zen garden, my 3am companions when he's snoring.
Sometimes love means watching your spouse learn the hard way: You can't reason with plant bandits. This is why they say "xiùcai meets soldiers - logic doesn't work." Tomorrow he's buying 50 plastic pots at the wholesale market. Let's see how his "friends" like my propagations in disposable lunch boxes!
昨晚我家那位拍了我养的多肉发抖音，好家伙，直接捅了马蜂窝！
三年前我就戒了朋友圈晒花。每次李婶王大姑看见我的碧玉莲，准保嚷嚷："这盆给我呗！陶罐子一起拿来哈！" 可气人的是，她们把我的心头肉养蔫吧了，连空盆都不还！不给吧？转眼我就成了"抠门精转世"。
所以当我那憨老公得意展示他爆火的抖音视频时——200多盆精心伺候的静夜、虎尾兰全曝光了！好家伙，半夜他的手机成了许愿热线：大学舍友要"随便来两小棵"，领导暗示办公室绿化，八竿子打不着的亲戚都来认亲了。
"老张上次帮过忙，不能驳面子！"
"王局说不定能帮娃转学！"
"三姨邻居闺女结婚要摆花！"
我们吵得屋顶快掀了。我撂下话："谁答应谁解决！去花卉市场批發塑料假花随你送，我的阳台少片叶子试试！" 说我小气？随便！这些多肉是我的解压神器，是听着他打鼾声半夜聊天的老姐妹。
婚姻有时候就是眼睁睁看着另一半撞南墙：跟"要花土匪"讲不通道理，这就是"秀才遇到兵"的现实版。明天他得去批發市场买50个塑料盆，我倒要看看他的"朋友们"要不要我扦插在快餐盒里的多肉崽子！
