Effective Strategies for Dividing Household Responsibilities in a Relationship.

_source

One of the most common topics of contention between couples is the division of labor. Sharing responsibilities goes beyond the obvious, daily chores like lunches, laundry, and dishes. Anything that involves a mental burden is shared responsibility. The three most common areas of contention between spouses are sex, finances, and kids. Division of work is the subject of today's post, and it is near the bottom of this list.

Living with someone else is not an easy task, when you get right down to it. You both make mess, hold yourselves to different standards of cleanliness, and have different ideas about how a house should be run in addition to having different schedules. That is only for two people; add children, and you have a party. So how do you handle the beast of a responsibility that is managing a house when it's not apparent who is responsible for what? "Well, let's just split it down the middle" is one strategy I occasionally hear.

Though it's a good idea, this isn't the entire package. What occurs if your spouse hasn't completed half of the list? What happens if you have to perform part of their duties out of decency? And if you have to complete their assignments twice a week? In summary, trying to simplify things with a 50/50 mindset without considering how to handle the inevitable change in life would probably create a you-versus-me atmosphere where animosity can grow. However, what does that actually mean? Must one person shoulder a greater portion of the workload? That doesn't seem fair, and typically it's this circumstance that initially necessitates these conversations and/or disputes.

I'm trying to say that while an equal division of labor is possible and desirable, it must be implemented with flexibility and include a mechanism for discussing when things are going well and when they aren't, as well as when to seek assistance.

Effective Communication Is Enhanced by Clarity.

First, each partner needs to understand what exactly counts as labor. One partner may be responsible for carrying the weight of the family's mental to-do list of bills for certain families. This is a task that is unseen and requires brain space, even though it isn't immediately apparent.

Similarly, if one family member earns the majority of the income, this is also a source of stress and additional mental strain that needs to be accommodated. I suggest talking to your partner about mental stress if you haven't already. Make a list of things. Which duties do each of you carry, visible or not? Which ones stress you out the most, and which ones weigh more on you? Does everyone share the work equally, or is there an imbalance where a single person bears the majority of the load?

Talk about Inferences and Biases.

Don't be embarrassed to bring up any imbalances that you find. Why is the order of events thus as it is? What preconceptions and prejudices did each party hold that resulted in the unfair distribution of work? Is one spouse convinced that the other lacks competence? Is one spouse of the other thinking that the other "just enjoys shopping"? If someone spends more time taking care of the kids and works a shorter schedule at work, are there any preconceived notions about "free time"?

Furthermore—and I say this a lot—have faith in your partner's best qualities. In a good relationship, there is typically no malice behind our upset feelings toward our partners, even when those words or actions cause us pain. Our behaviors are the result of our upbringing, past experiences, preconceptions, fears, and routines. Except for upbringing, which is healable or processable, all of these are modifiable.