The Role of Defensiveness in Human Relationships and Personal Growth

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Defensiveness appears to be the one factor that unites all of the complex human relationships. Much of the dysfunction in relationships can be attributed to this mysterious and frequently subconscious habit. Regretfully, in some circumstances it seems that being defensive is the only appropriate reaction. When we truly become close to someone, we will inevitably come across flaws in their personality, even with their initial appeal and attraction. It's possible to feel uneasy and uncomfortable after learning these things. In the end, this may lead to defensiveness and the relationship's disintegration.

The little things that make up our everyday lives—like how we care for our valuables or tell stories—can appear insignificant. But these seemingly insignificant behaviors can cause frustration and miscommunication in our close relationships. The root of the issue comes when we try to question our partner's behavior as partners.

But it's important to recognize that asking to be loved exactly as we are is a terribly unjust demand. As opposed to that, we should only ever hope to be appreciated for who we aspire to be, provided we have some self-awareness and honesty. For the best versions of ourselves, for the goodness within. When our spouse provides feedback, we should be required by the spirit of true love to turn to them with gratitude and ask for more. Seeking to become a better version of oneself should be our constant goal. Love can also be viewed as a kind of classroom where our partner can impart a few lessons about our ideal selves.

It's not a coincidence that we typically adopt a defensive posture in relationships. It stems from a deep-seated dread of being rejected and laughed at. It's crucial, nevertheless, that we have the bravery to tell our spouse about our worries. Our fear and vulnerability can resonate with them. And this might make it clearer to us that what we're afraid of isn't criticism in and of itself, but rather our incapacity to accept it calmly.

Loving is not so flimsy. It is capable of withstanding the odd storm and even growing stronger from it. Being able to accept and deal with the flaws that each of us has is more important than trying to be flawless. It's about being able to engage in challenging talks without worrying about criticism or backlash. Therefore, finding someone who is not defensive is crucial while looking for a companion.

Finding someone who is receptive to new ideas and eager to develop would be preferable. Someone who can welcome imperfection with open arms and find beauty in it. Because this is the only way we can really understand how strong and resilient love is.