CONFESSIONS OF A HYPOCRITE

I am a hypocrite. And very good at it. Also, I've got plenty of hubris.

While I recognize the hypocrisies of others as easily as child's play, my offenses in this regard are terribly uncomfortable to admit.

I have seen and see myself in many roles. As Cassandra, whose warning cries go unheard in the desert. As a meek Ananda, who stands by the Buddha as a helper and advisor. As a kind mother who blows the horn in defense of the child. Likewise as an impudent woman, an adulteress, a sharp-tongued Xanthippe, an eloquent and arrogant bitch who has pointed elbows, a victim of brainless yes-men, and the like.

I encounter the latest hypocrisy on a daily basis.

An acquaintance told me at a party that she flew from Germany to San Diego for a medical congress, a rather impressive number of 30000 medical professionals met there and she complained that "only plastic dishes were used in the hotel!" On her way to a subsequent small private vacation, she had to make it through a homeless street directly adjacent to the hotel business, where the down-and-out absentmindedly staggered along the sidewalks or just sat and lay there. The misery had horrified her, but it was interesting that she told me the story about the plastic dishes in the first place, wasn't it? Although afterwards she encountered the crazy people and poor people on the street, of whom she "wasn't even really afraid," as those folks were "so out there".

The other day, when I was planning to leave for a visit with childhood friends, the preceding Whatssapp communication in the group they had called the "gang" then finally stopped me. One of the women wrote that she was ill and felt too bad to host this time, and her detailed description of her health condition sure enough compelled another to ask for a Corona test, which she had already made and announced it to be negative.

How did I know in advance that this woman who called in sick would change her mind?

Because I am a smart mind reader? Because I know how people tick? Certainly, everyone knows it, it's not such a big deal to justify that I smear myself with praise.

The thing then went on and after a lot of exchanges of sympathy words and emojis with hearts and smileys and sad faces and the like, the sick one left another message in the morning that she really will not make it as it "now reached the bronchial tubes". Again her fishing for sympathy was successful and she was told "how sad it would be that she won't be able to join" and "all the best and a quick recovery! Hugs and Kisses!"

Right from the beginning of this exchanges I decided myself to cancel the meeting and stay home with my aggravated me. I was though curiously waiting for the sick one to fulfill my prophecy and also - sure enough -the announcement came in the late afternoon: "As it turned out, I feel now much better, a form of quick self-healing and if nobody minds and objects, I ask you all, if I can join in for one or two hours?"

Now, dear hypocrite and fellow mind reader,

what do you think was responded? Yes, you hit the nail. One answer was: "As sorry as I am that you are sick and as sorry I might have been as not getting the chance to see you, I must insist, that in case you'll be with us, to take a distance from me!!! My mom is about to get surgery in a few days and I don't want to catch something and bring it home." Followed by smileys and hearts. To make this aggressive statement less offensive.

The others then softened it all down by saying that at least the test was negative and the meeting was anyway to take place in the garden and whether the garden was big enough? (LOL) Which was instantly confirmed. While the "sick one" seemed a bit stung but made no mistake to set it clear that she intended to come and was then one more time invited by the new hostess. No further objections were being made.

My nasty thoughts:

"Well, you egocentric mother carer, if you are so much concerned about your moms well being, why then don't you stay home with your ass yourself and 'keep your distance'? If it's that dangerous you think it is, you should put yourself under strict quarantine and not entertaining yourself outside of a safe space." Am I not right? LOL

All the while I was well aware that no one of those smart females would break into an open conflict and that, in the end, they would have been having a "great and fun time". After all hypocracies were exchanged, satisfaction set in and I assume that everyone has the feeling how well they all communicated with one another. Praise solidarity amongst females and their excellent communication skills!

Why do I sound pissed? Because I am.

Why am I so upset? Because I seem to not belong to this group. I kicked myself out of it in order to prevent myself from saying something regrettable. The whole thing quickly lost attractiveness to me. I often thought that over time my childhood friends lost their sense of freedom and risk loving. The older we all became the less we tolerated uncertainty and adventurous manouvres. I tried to follow my husbands advice of "Smile and wave." Sometimes it works. At others it doesn't.

I am pissed and disappointed at myself to expect something else.

It's no ones fault, actually. I feel sorry for myself as this excludes me from social get togethers. I don't have much friends. As it turns out I have one female friend in my close vicinity. And you know what? I find her being a hypocrite! HaHa! Because, after all, we all are.

Now, what does that tell about me? Why did I withdraw myself from my so called social life? It already began before Corona times. I was reluctant to meet up late at night and "go out drinking". What for? I am in a stable relationship, flirting became superflous as no man would look at me anyway and where then is the fun? Talking about the same old things? Meh. Listening to what the colleague, the neighbor, the boss or family members did wrong? How politics and the world sucks? Or, how great everything is?

So, on what path am I? Is this a self test how much isolation I can bear?

Is it a subconscious attempt by me myself and I that I have to face loneliness in order to realize that I was, I am and I will be alone, after all? That "most people" to whom I had contact through the usual means, were nothing but fake friends, fake personas, fake humans?

Now, can you imagine the irony that hit me when the hysteria about "the virus" set in? I ALREADY had turned into someone who withdraw herself from too much social contact. I reduced my stress level to the max. I tried to live a more decent and humble life and refrained from expensive and environmentally unfriendly vacations. Silly me.

I worked only up to twenty hours a week in my profession. I started to not liking crowded busses and planes and mass gatherings. I freed myself from the inconvenience of having a boss and a working environment in which I would have no say, freelancing was my niche. I was quite happy with all those reductions, because I knew it would otherwise make me sick and over burdened. I had found a somewhat satisfying relationship to my former husband and father of our son. Being with a new man for over a decade. Eating out became something special and not ordinary. I enjoyed luxuries but realized I only do so when I have lesser of them.

Now, of all the people who celebrated the new normal

and being isolated for so long, my childhood friends welcomed the rigid measurements as well. I knew why. Because they were unable to take measurements for their lives on their own. One friend told me that it was "such a relief to stay home, not getting stuck in traffic jam all day on the way to work and finally having all the time to tidy up, to organize a cosy home, to browse through memories and old pictures" and so on. I inwardly puked and still do. But at the same time she back then asked me that it was not too big of a sacrifice to keep the distance for the good of all. HaHa! She was right for herself, indeed. Though this was clearly no sacrifice at all to her. It was an unexpected gift from above.

For me, this was like kicking me back to first grade even though I have been there and done that, but still. What a big joke.
What disgusted me on top was how she quickly got over the "I love being told to stay home" after the cleaning up was all done, all papers and pictures have found their orderly place, the surfaces were all shiny and it got a bit boring, to jump right into the next phase where you "catch a plane as tickets were really getting cheap" and start socializing again safely by having gotten the injection.

One part of me though thought that she was way more clever, way more adapted to this modern world than I ever have succeeded in myself. All she had needed was a long time out of her daily duties.

My wrathful monster raged:

"Fuck you! Damn you, you spoiled princess, you egocentric bitch. You need a fake global catastrophe in order to give yourself some leisure and recovery time from the efforts of live? Couldn't it have been ANY smaller???!!!"

In order to give themselves rest and for the reason they do not listen to themselves, they need it very hard and strong (oh, the sexual connotation, LOL). Something so big and so horrible that FORCES them to get a break. Is there a stronger word than IRONY for it? Does it not go a bit cheaper than that?

So, after having myself exhausted to a tolerable extend during this "pandemic" I left it all behind me. I joined the attitude of my man who did nothing and who said nothing to anybody during this time which might have gotten him into trouble. Keep it non aroused.

Am I unable to wave and smile? Seems to be so, right?

Am I full of hatred? Yes. At least right now. It'll switch in a moment or in the afternoon. I don't hate the women from my childhood. I hate what they say and how they have chosen to communicate. I hate that we don't trust each other.

Another friend, a new one whom I got to know during the crazy lockdown times, she now got ill with cancer. Or what she thinks is severe and so do all others. She was leading one of the hardest fights I ever was witnessing in person. She managed to stay a teacher (can you believe it?), having benefitted from a protective management, she home schooled her children for about two years, she had to show up at court for it because the school administration had filed a case against her, which she lost but she won another minor one. She was on every important and unimportant rally, she attended meetings and hosted them herself. She wrote numerous letters to all imaginable institutions and peoples of her own, she managed to travel with her kids abroad with all the restrictions and testings and harassments of getting vaccinated.

Do I admire her? No.

Because she now needs cancer in order to take a slower step. She needs a serious illness which forces her to become more relaxed. Don't get me wrong. I believe that stress is number one reason for becoming unhealthy. Don't bother me with other details. It is not her fault to get cancer but it is her chance to slow down. No illness can be anyones fault. So, I do not pity her. At least she does not need an "emergency of national dimension" to become a bit more loving towards herself. Or .... does she? I am getting all confused by now.

I like her. We've got a similar humor. We laugh together. I often entertain her with my adventures from the past. I've plenty of them to share. Love affairs, journeys, business ideas, business trips, family troubles and so on. I am not so fond of her friends though. Actually, in a way, I dislike to be in groups. While I loved being in groups when younger.

The two of us have some very good conversations, intense, deep and also loving. Some of her friends are okay. I met them at her birthdays. She has children, a boy and a girl. They are and will be some special characters, I am pretty sure. They are cheeky, confident and disliked by adults who are afraid of kids.

From what is left of my social life, I have no reason to complain. Only the arrogant and disgraceful me, the fearful part of me being human, finds reasons.

That's it. Good bye from here.