Sometime back a client visited me and she was very unhappy about the way her life is going on. She absolutely has no problems right now, she has a loving husband, financially doing good, she is having a good life but still she is very unhappy. After a little deep dwelling the reason surfaced up. Years back when she got married, she was living in a joint family with her mother-in-law, she had a very tough time with her and that was deeply rooted in her, which she cannot let go. Mother-in-law is no more now, but the experience she had with her, the memory of that is still with her, which keeps pulling her down, in-turn she has lost the connection with her husband because she feels that his mother ill-treated her and he did not stand up for her, which was not fair.
For sure it was not fair, but can anything be changed. The answer is definitely NO, so she needs to heal those scars and move on. This is so much deep rooted in her that now she does not want to have any children. I see that the feelings that are instilled in her from those memories are spreading onto the other parts of her life.
Another case where the girl got married at a very young age and she had a miserable husband. She got divorced in 2 years' time but the 2 years' experience with him has left some very strong unpleasant memories which she cannot let go. She is married again, the husband is very nice, but she keeps relating her current marriage with her previous one and keeps finding faults with her husband, which makes their relationship miserable.
If we keep going back to our past, keep reflecting on it and do now allow the memories to release, it will keep circling back to us in different forms. We make statements like life is very unfair to me, or that nothing right is happening to me, these are statements we make based on our past experiences of life, we make such statements, and what we are doing in return is attracting similar energies around us based on our thought process and actions.
Past is past, it serves no better in present, and hence it should be left there in past. Every day we can be a new person, we may have gone through some miserable situations, we ourselves may have been a terrible or a sinful person in the past but that does not mean the present also should be or will be the same. But if we keep feeling guilty about it all the time then we are not giving it a chance to Let GO. We need to learn, improve and Let Go. Clinging to the past means, we want the same things to keep happening to us, we do not want to make it any better for us. Bringing the past into the present only brings more blocks for the presents.
What happened in the past is not in our control now, but what is in our control is to not keep going back to it again and again. Years back I was a different person, very mindless in my thoughts and actions, which I do not shy off to say, but I decided that I want to change and work towards it. Many people from my past still think I am the same and relate to me in that manner, but they do not realize that I have moved on for better and they have not because they are still stuck in the past.
Guilts and traumas of the Past if we keep holding on to them, they will never allow us to progress in life. Hence, making it a point that the Past is Gone and serves no good in any way, and not carrying the burden of it in the present and future, will simplify life and make it a better living for us.
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A good presentation on the tensions that would demand our energy to feed them in our mind. Thoughts are very powerful, seeking more energy to thrive and grow.
Adding to this list you've illuminated, one must also be aware of where the trespass wasn't those against us, but ones we performed against another. Sometimes even inadvertently. I often think one of the key draws to many religions is to offer the adherents a tool for self forgiveness for actions they have taken they find unforgivable.
It's a tough task to forgive oneself, and the closest I can come to at times when a thought surfaces towards a past transgression I committed is to acknowledge it, to think my deep regrets towards the person or thing that was trespassed against and re-affirm I learned from that action to be more mindful in future actions.
A good example of this is the story you share of
Many women who do this here in the U.S. will try rationalizing how this is really the husbands fault if they end up driving him off. But by doing so, I believe ultimately they create a new level of dis-ease, as at some level they know the truth. It's good that she was able to confide in you that she is aware she is doing this. I hope for her future mental stability (as well as her husbands) she is able to stop giving her energy feeding these thoughts that seek life in her mind.
Absolutely, we keep relating our present with our past, and it is not even done consciously, they are the subconscious triggers buried deep within which keeps surfacing when we are in similar circumstances, and the one way to reprogram the subconscious is self-forgiveness, it helps us to move forward and to start looking at people with a fresh perspective. It is rightly said we are what we feed in to our mind. Some things are conscious and some happens subconsciously but when we become mindful we will also understand these patterns and we can easily overcome them. Thank you for sharing you thoughts @practicalthought