One of the biggest problems I see in marriage counselling is when partners can't or don't set realistic expectations. The problem is, when you say 'optimistic', it puts a burden on the other person to live up to your expectations, especially if the other person has already raised expectations for you. If he doesn't, the tension will continue to build and he'll start to feel under pressure to live up to them. But, how do you know when it's too late? When is it too late? Here are some signs when it's time to think about setting realistic expectations for your marriage.
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You're Being Too Sensitive - Remember when your parents always made fun of your ideas? It's still funny to hear years later that they were right. In this case, you're the one being sensitive. In a marriage, you have to be sensitive to the needs of your partner. But, you also need to be firm.
You're Ignoring His Needs - Do you listen to him? Have you changed his way of doing things, leaving him out of some important activities? If so, you are not showing appreciation and acceptance, you are just ignoring his needs. If your partner feels ignored, he may take that as a sign that he's not important to you any more, and he may begin to look for someone who will acknowledge his feelings.
You Don't Want To Make Him Work For Your Future - One thing you never want to do is to create a scenario where he has to constantly convince you of what you want. He will become frustrated and angry, and he will make things even worse. So, instead, take the time to sit down and talk with him about what is important to him. Look for his interests, his dreams and his future goals.
He Doesn't Want To Set Them - If your expectations are too high, there's going to be a problem. The easiest way to get your man to settle on a different level is to make sure you avoid setting them so high to begin with. Men don't like it when their expectations are too high. Instead, they want to know that you respect his boundaries. When you have too high of expectations, he is likely to feel like you are holding him back, or is simply unwilling to compromise. So, make sure that you keep the expectations reasonably low at first.
He Doesn't Want To See You Again - If you haven't been seeing your partner for a considerable amount of time, he may feel that you've lost interest in him. This can also work to your advantage. Because he's not seeing you as often, you may find yourself feeling more comfortable and free to do more things with your friends and family. He may also feel more attracted to the idea of spending more time with you. If you both haven't been seeing each other for a long period of time, he may be hesitant to commit to another commitment before he knows you well again.
He Has No Expectations And Will Be Irritated - If you tell him exactly what you want and expect from him, you are likely to hear a resounding "no." Most men will actually become agitated if you spell out what you want and expect from them and then leave it up to them to interpret it. It's all about them and whether or not they are going to take it seriously. He may even start to wonder if he's being set up for a disappointment. You want to let him know that you're not leaving things up to fate.
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If you want to establish more realistic expectations with your man, this may be the best time to do it. You may think that he is just resistant to change or may have his own idea of what should be expected. If you think he is resistant, try setting realistic expectations and see what happens. He may become more willing to open up to you and share himself with you.
