Feeling middle-aged

Though it has been a while since I considered myself to be in my youth, only now am I beginning to identify with the "middle-aged" category.

I'm turning 50 later this year, so that probably has something to do with it.

Also, there's the health thing. Numbers are just numbers... it's how you FEEL that really matters. But I feel about 80, to be honest. I was super healthy until 10 years ago, when my nerves suddenly went haywire. 4 years ago my heart started to fail, but a surgery in August brought me back from the brink. Sadly, I've now got something going on in my abdomen (and very little access to the healthcare system), so instead of feeling on top of the world, I'm back to a constant state of physical suffering and mental uncertainty.

And yeah, not sleeping. That also ages a person reeeeeeally fast.

What's middle-age? I think that I'm there...
There's prunes in my oatmeal, and white in my hair!

"Children keep you young," they say. And I agree. I was lucky to be blessed with a second set of 2 children (also have 2 with my ex wife). They're 5 and 3 now. My little girl isn't a baby anymore. Suddenly, I feel older. Physically, and mentally. They keep you young... but they also really drain the lifeforce right out of you! Parents (especially beyond their 20s) will know what I'm talking about. And I signed up for that, so I'm not whining about it. I give of myself lovingly and willingly. I'm just saying... stay off my lawn, you little punks.

My role now feels like it's shifting. My focus, my goal, my reason for drawing breaths. It's taking a new shape. I feel as though the Summer of my life is wrapping up, and I have to begin looking at Autumn. That means continuing the hard work I've been doing, but putting some effort into the harvest, as well as preparing for Winter.

Maybe seems kind of grim, and I guess it is. We're all another day older today. We're all another day closer to our last, which could be happen any time. Did we make today count? Things that I've been thinking about more and more often.

I had a great Christmas with my wife, and Brett and Lilly. And I managed to make some good decisions, and luck was with me, as I cashed out some Bitcoin and paid off a large debt. Now I'm getting my driver's license back, and I just got my passport. But the momentum has stalled, especially now that I'm dealing with a new potentially-serious health issue, and more pain/dysfunction.

I'm looking and feeling older the last few weeks and months. My knees are wearing down, painful almost all the time. I've been doing a lot of walking for many years, hauling groceries, babies, etc. It's good for burning calories, but hard on the joints as you get older. My energy level isn't too bad lately, but it's slowly dropping year by year. My eyesight is failing very quickly. I'm okay at the moment, but I'm starting to realize there's only so many more years ahead of me. I can no longer pretend there's lots and lots of time.

People (such as doctors) are increasingly using the "you're not a spring chicken anymore" line on me. I don't hear "you've got your whole life ahead of you" anymore. I haven't been asked to show ID to verify my age since the 00s.

So yeah, I guess that's why I'm suddenly feeling middle-aged. Looking it, feeling it, and sounding it. Maybe even smelling it. (I wouldn't know, I lost most of my sense of smell during Covid.)

Could be a lot worse! I'm alive, and I'm still counting my blessings.

DRutter