An accounting with myself.

The stupidest actions I witnessed in life were committed by my female counterparts.

The most gullible were also often the most vain, myself included. I consider the ego boost that we women get from being awarded an "International Women's Day" to be a mere political message.

We women have allowed ourselves to be taken for fools by our vanity, the desire for absolute importance outside the domestic sphere, which has been talked down.

To feel offended by the idea that one's own family realm and existence is meaningless, that having children is a mere ploy by supposed patriarchs and so on, shows that women themselves believed these nonsensical statements.

Rarely a woman I have met has taken a personal interest in domestic technology,

neither in fixing a bicycle or a car or connecting power lines or getting the internet connection working or repairing a broken mechanical or electronic device or a clogged pipe.

Women prefer their husbands to do it and if they don't have a husband, to pay service providers to do it for them. No woman I ever knew had a strong interest in becoming a soldier or giving her life for her husband, working on an ocean-going vessel or on an oil rig, handling heavy and noisy equipment or doing really life-threatening work.

Now, approaching my mid-fifties,

I realise that not only am I all too tired of following politics and external conflicts, I've realised that I've virtually had to carry myself to pretend to be interested in world affairs when I actually wasn't.

Politics outside my personal realm and the spaces I cannot physically get hold of do not interest me very much, even though I thought so for the longest time. They interest me in theory and I really tried hard to understand the delicate and complicated matters of finance, even physics.

It was my ex-husband and my now husband, as former business partners,

who took financial responsibility of the failing company we had been running. It was them putting their names in the forefront. It was the men who were being held accountable for business mistakes.

My job in this family business was to support it, to give my best to co-run the company, to provide for its stability the best I could.

Though, I had a three year old in a child care facility, and it never really felt right to me to do the outside business, while strangers took care of my little infant. It broke my heart several times to force me into the thinking that "we live in modern times" and to convince myself that the pedagogues acted in the best interest of my family and kid. I tried to get over the pain of letting go the anxiety it caused me to let others be the mothers of my baby. Which he was. I put him there when he was only one year old. I still regret that.

I was full of crap in moments when I bought into the feminism stuff.

For all I know now it never was a "grass roots movement" but the power of wealthy and bored or stressed out upper class women who allegedly "fought for women's rights" who wanted to be equal to men, their inventiveness, their fame, their popularity and whatnot. For whatever reasons this took such a strong foot in the present time, I find it to be false.

I am done with the "everyone shall be included" thinking.

Though everyone shall be free to include him or herself.

If you are ugly and fat while you are still young, you need to be clever and intelligent to get your acts together. You have it more difficult than the prettier women. Instead of luring a man by your attractiveness, you need to get him attached to you by other means. And since not all men are equally attractive, you satisfy yourself with a less appealing man, given the looks.

I've experienced it myself. I was approached by men whom I did not find particularly appealing from their outer looks. But if a man is consistent, persistent and determined to make a catch, this is not only possible but also likely to happen. I've seen many beautiful women being in relationship with ugly or average looking men. I've seen beautiful men with inconspicuous to not very attractive women.

There are lots of qualities in the sexes when you are not focussed on looks.

I myself had not the problem of being an ugly female. I did not even focus on how to become more pretty because I already was. Whatever problem I might have had in my younger years, it certainly was not looks.
I was hired by companies with male bosses and I preferred it that way. The ugly females also were working there, so no discrimination there either.

But let us make no mistake. I was not always hired because I was oh so intelligent or particularly smart. My assets were my looks and being confident for that very matter. I was neither brilliant im maths or other nature sciences (they never interested me) nor very skilled in the sales market. I was actually a very crappy sales person.

I relied on my beauty more than I admitted even to myself because it worked so utterly well.
If I would have been born with less attractive looks this would have forced me to develop some other skills and assets in order to have a male partner attracted in me. And that is the way it goes. Of course, I also payed the price for not being career driven. There is always a cost, is it not?

I refuse to see myself as a victim

who has acted in such a way as to cash in on what my assets have enabled me to do. Now I'm old and ugly. That's just the way it is. I can't make myself prettier and younger than I am.

I managed to get married a second time and my man and I got together at a time when it was still the case to call me "hot". Whatever my husband saw in me, it probably wasn't primarily my "intelligence", but something else. You'll have to ask him about that. I am not the smartest candle on the cake.

In my relationships with men I was the cheater, not my partners.

I was easily to seduce, to distract and to be attracted by adventure. I easily seduced.

I never thought much about my future and to take care of future needs. I didn't need to. I could change my mind on a whim, to separate from my men, only to get back together because I - again - had changed my mind.

This happened twice in my life that I got together with former partners. I was immature, self centered, short sided and a princess. It rarely happened to me that a man let me down and having had such a high score in attracting men, I did not learn to live with rejection very well.

Now, when I was dumb, females of present times seem to be even dumber or similarly stupid (except the intelligent ones). I was not liking it to be alone without a male partner and I had some hard times to go through when I happened to be a single. That was when my son was very little and it scared me to be in that state.

My first mistake was to become a mother with a man whom I had not sought out thoroughly enough.

I wasn't thinking long term. I am afraid, I wasn't thinking much at all.

As a result of this primarily made mistake I divorced him. That caused nothing but trouble. In both, financial and in terms of the relation between my former husband and me. I now had to deal with another woman as well, since he got into a new relationship shortly after our separation.

Now, THAT is something every woman wishes for, right? Ironic question, indeed.

You, as the mother of a kid don't want the new partner to interfere for one major reason: Because you know by instinct, that her desires are to care for herself and her own offspring, and she doesn't like it to deal with other females and their children; to say the least.

Stepmoms are not being joked about for no reasons.

Skip that patchwork-family model, it generally does not work. It's a nice delusional idea, it's wishful thinking. Exceptions prove that rule.

For after having brought me into the situation of divorce, I found myself to be dependent on another females opinions, who was not very willing to invest into a child she has not given birth to herself. And why would or should she? Because we are all benevolent, well-meaning peoples who can ignore biology by will? I don't think so.

I had it both.

I was (and am) the step-mom for a boy and I still can hear the mother telling me "to stay the hell out raising my son and not to stuff your queered worldviews into his head!" Well done, mother! I listened and I stayed out of it. It hurt my feelings, yeah. And so what? I heard her message loud and clear. I had no rights in wishing it otherwise. Best decision I ever made for that matter.

I, on the other hand, tried out the patchwork-method

because my former husband and I had split child care to fifty fifty. Since our son spent as much time at his fathers place as in mine, it was important for all of us to get along well. But it didn't work out. The stepmom of my son was all rage, hatred and frustration towards the situation, and the end of that story was that I took our son full time and we ended the former model. Off to a classic custody arrangement and him paying alimonies.

The power of women in relationships is huge.

This is a matter of fact since the dawn of humanity.
She can bring him to do or leave businesses she distastes or favors. She can make him to become distant even from his family of origin, if she so insists and gives him something in return. She has the power to trouble the hell out of him.

Women are masters in being emotional and its their strongest means in order to get what they want.
Men believe them easily when they complain about other mean folk, what they had done to them. A man has a natural desire to protect his woman. A woman does not. She has a natural desire to protect herself. Which is nothing I would argue against. There is most likely a reason for this.

Women have no special interest in providing for men.

They dislike to be the main supporters of family income. They don't pull pride from the fact, if and when they do.

I know of no female who ever paid such large amounts of money to divorced husbands. They manage on average to have the child under main care and let the father pay for their needs. If he cannot or is not able to pay, women turn towards the social system and ask big daddy for support. Which they easily get. I was there myself. It was a piece of cake.

I erred and failed so many times in my life,

I was miss-leading myself through being gullible towards the broadcasting media topics because I was a vain character. I had been spoiled by so many relationships that I had the luxury to stay naive in many matters of affairs.

I felt flattered and nicely stroked by false claims like being the "weak sex" and interpreted it as the benevolent acknowledgement of the modern Zeitgeist to support us poor females who have it so hard in our lives. While we never had it so tough like our brothers, fathers and sons. I cannot even imagine how horrible it must be to kill other men on the battle field. We, as women, even expected our men to die for us, did we not? We even called males who were too sensitive for war "cowards".

The feminists - which I do not count myself to, obviously -

managed to turn the world upside down. It was the suffragettes and bohemians, the upper class females, who convinced upper class men, who allowed themselves to be manipulated, that something had to be done about their allegedly miserable status in society.

These women left their powerful domestic spaces for lunatic ideas. Out of boredom, out of a false sense of victimhood, out of being so spoiled that they didn't know what to do with their lives?

They betrayed not only men but first and foremost other - lower class - women whom they named "breeding machines"; as well as their lower class husbands. They struggled so hard with what course they decided to go that many of those "pioneering women" ended up desperate and lonely. Nothing but broken ends and worldviews. Shattered families and poisoned relationships. No chance of going back.

If you are extreme in your actions, the hardest thing to do is to stop being extreme and totally change who you are.

The positive on my side is that I stayed away from alcohol and drugs ever since I became a mom.

I stopped sleeping around after getting together with my now husband. I never laid an eye onto another man ever since.

We started with having an affair and we both got beaten pretty well through the judgements of his former wife, who rightly so cursed him and me, who blamed the shit out of us. We deserved it. I am satisfied that finally a woman whom I respect, let me have it.

I wouldn't have accepted the accusations if she had been a different character.

I do and did not listen to women who behaved in the same way I did. They make themselves exceptions to interpersonal rules that should apply, but not to them. I disrespect what they say about these matters because of their double standard. I played that game very well myself and I recognize a hypocrite when I meet one.

I had a great gift of the tongue when it came to explaining my behaviour in marriage, I was adept at coming up with euphonious psychological explanations. Blah blah blah, it was. But you know, people easily believe you. They sympathize with you so much that in the end you even believe yourself that what you just said is nothing but true and kind and actually "wise". LoL :D

Bye bye.

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Photo source: my own.