Are You Living With a Relationship expectation Matrix?

It is easy to talk about relationship expectations and talk about relationship management. What is a healthy relationship expectation and how do you create one? What is the difference between a wish, an expectation, and a wall that you cannot break?

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The way we talk about our relationships affects our relationship quality. When we talk about our relationships we start with words like desire, need, long term, short term, friends for life, loyalty, commitment, and so on. We rarely, if ever, talk about the idea of limited resources and time with each other. If we do then it is usually in a negative way - "You never have enough time with me", "I want you to spend more time with me", "my time is limited".

All of these are relationship expectations. The problem with all of these types of relationship expectations is that they are emotionally driven. What is really being discussed is your feelings about your relationship and the impact those feelings have on your daily life.

Feelings and emotions are a powerful tool. Unfortunately, they can also be highly destructive. We all know there is the potential for arguments and fights in any relationship, but the real issue is more often than not, how our emotions have created this toxic dynamic within the relationship.

This is where it gets interesting. You can begin to see relationship expectations are not so much a result of what you hope or wish for in a relationship, but more a result of how your emotions are impacting the relationship. For example: Let's say you have strong relationship expectations with your significant other. You love him or her and think of him or her as your best friend. As a result, you think of times when you were able to really get down and dirty with him or her.

This means you expect to be able to have some fun together. The question is, do you feel like your relationship got better because of your friendship? Did your relationship improve because of the time you spent together? I believe the answer is no. It is important to focus on the outcomes rather than on the outcome. If you want to have a meaningful and loving relationship that ensures both of you get something out of it, you need to pay attention to what the outcome will be.