Punishment doesn't teach children what to do

Punishment doesn't teach children what to do when upset or angry. Parents are often surprised when a child they just punished for a crime wrong goes ahead to commit the same offense almost immediately. Children don't learn what to do when they are upset or angry.

For example: You tell your child that you will put him in his room if he hits his brother, and he won't be allowed to watch TV. He hits anyway, so you carry out your threat. But the next day, he hits again. You punish him again, but the punishment doesn't stop the hitting or teach the kid any lesson.

Punishment doesn't change behavior long term. Instead of discussing what to do, punishment is an action in reaction to something. If a child says something mean, they get punished. If they hit someone, they get punished. But if the punishment effectively changed behavior, why is the same thing happening repeatedly?

The answer is that punishment isn't about changing behavior; it's more about getting even. It's more about making the punisher feel better than changing behavior. Punishment doesn't create empathy or understanding - it only creates power struggles, resentment, and anxiety in children.

Punishment makes kids more aggressive. When disciplined, children tend to react defensively. Suppose your child is angry at you for punishing them. In that case, the child will not learn anything from the punishment experience; besides, it's possible to get away with what they did because you'll stop paying attention after a while. The same goes for physical punishment: even if your kid learns that hitting hurts, they will probably keep doing it and learn to be more aggressive as a result.

Remember that kids care most about their pride and self-esteem to avoid this outcome. To have meaningful discussions about mistakes instead of degenerating into an argument about who's right and wrong, parents should acknowledge when the kid has a valid point and suggest compromises. It takes time and patience to master this approach. Still, the payoff is worth it. You'll see much better results than when resorting to punishment!

Punishment makes kids mistrust their parents as they fear them. Punishment instills fear in children. When children fear their parents, they learn to mistrust them: they believe that their parents are not a safe source of love and support. The child becomes afraid to be themselves and feels he must hide his feelings from his parents. He also fears that something worse will happen if he doesn't obey his parents. Children who are punished often feel ashamed that they have made their parents angry and worry that they may not be worthy of love or care. They may become anxious and feel helpless when the parent is around.

When you punish your kids, they react to that punishment as anyone would: defensively. They feel hurt and not understood, and they experience one of these emotions: anger, fear, or loss of love. They do not learn what to do instead to make amends.

For example: You tell your teen daughter that she is grounded because she broke curfew last night. She'll now feel angry at you. She will also resent being punished while her friends are still going out on Friday nights. That's the sense of loss of love. If she feels fearful toward you, it's because she doesn't want this punishment to happen again! Suppose you punish her more severely in the future, like taking away her car for a month. In that case, she will feel even more afraid and unable to control her life (which is a genuinely terrible thought).