Here I am, attempting to express via my photography what words cannot fully express. I am a naturally analytical person who is conscious of the passage of time and the transience of each moment. I used to be quite enthusiastic, but now I just feel indifferent most of the time. I often question if love is really everlasting and whether the emotion that previously affected me still has the power to arouse the same intensity in my spirit. I look at the world through the camera's lens while I search for the explanations that will give my life purpose.
I'm not sure when I stopped giving a damn about anything. I believe that apathy is similar to a subtle sickness that slowly consumes you until you realize that nothing thrills you as it once did. Perhaps my capacity to feel strongly was taken away from me by the lack of stimulation, the monotony of job, and adult life. However, it's also possible that it was a result of the four relationships I discussed before, which unavoidably left me with heart wounds.
I often wander the city holding my camera in search of a moment that merits being captured. A picture I shot on a lonely street of a guy wandering by himself aimlessly as if he were looking for anything or someone to break him out of the monotony of his existence serves as one of my favorite photographs that represents apathy. The picture's arrangement is simple, yet it conveys the sense of emptiness and remoteness that strikes us so hard in daily life.
The sense of indifference is complex. as in falling in love. When I was a teenager, I recall feeling really deep emotions, and my heart rhythmically beat with them. Everything was a dream, yet everything felt achievable. But as time went on, I realized that love also has a negative, destructive, and even uncaring side. Accepting that a person you once held in the highest regard is now essentially irrelevant to you is difficult. that everything associated with everlasting love has been destroyed.
Nevertheless, I do think that apathy may teach us to appreciate the little things in life, the ones that truly count. For instance, the grace of a flower on the road, a child's grin, or a friend's hug. Perhaps a less passionate but more mature version of love is apathy. At least, that's what I've discovered after spending so much time with my camera and documenting life's moments.
I often wonder if our lack of concern serves as a type of defense, a fortress that allows us to live in the chaotic world around us. In my situation, I've had to cope with the loss of individuals I used to love but are no longer physically there. Accepting that someone you once loved deeply now hardly remembers you is difficult. But I've also discovered that it doesn't always imply that something isn't true. Instead, I think love always leaves a mark on us, even if it is hardly noticeable.
There are moments, too, when I feel that the lack of care becomes overpowering and that I suffocate in a sea of contradictory emotions. I get out my camera at that time and start recording everything that is going on around me. My photography serves as therapy at times, a means of expressing my feelings and organizing my ideas. I believe that, in a way, we are all photographers of our own lives, seeking for the greatest lighting for our darkest times and attempting to get the ideal focus for each circumstance.
Perhaps being indifferent is only a temporary condition, a time when we are getting to know ourselves, rather than being an aim in and of itself. At the end of the day, we are all complicated creatures who have been shaped by a variety of events and feelings to get where we are. I see indifference as simply another obstacle I must go beyond as I continue to develop both as a person and as an artist.
In the end, I think that indifference is just another way of loving. A love that is more developed, less frantic, less self-centered, and wiser. Even though the love I have experienced in my life has not always been simple, I have come to respect it more deeply. I feel freer, calmer, and happier now that I believe I can love without wanting to possess. And even though I still have a lot of unresolved issues in my heart, I have faith that life will guide me in the correct direction. In the meanwhile, I'll keep using my camera to capture everything that makes me feel alive while looking for beauty in apathy.