We live our lives in many dimensions and how much strong we are mentally and emotionally there are still times when we need that extra strength and how much ever independent we are we still need security for ourselves, or at least a sense of feeling of being secured. Some of it comes from our values, our roots and some from people around us.
As a child I never had a pleasant childhood, and I always yearned for a loving family. Honestly I do not have much to fallback to from my childhood. Sometimes I feel like I just grew up somehow in some way. But the whole meaning to life happened only after I got married and had companionship of my husband. The day our relationship happened in form of marriage, there were many commitments that I made to myself. The most important being that I will nurture my family life to my best ability.
In my growing up, yes I do remember some good lessons that my father gave me and the one most important was of honesty. He always would tell me, if you live your life in honesty you will always feel powerful, and no one can make you feel small in anyway. He would also tell me about self-respect, and that only an honest life would bring all of that. These lessons have always helped me in life a lot. I have always made it a point to be honest no matter whatever the situation is and I have noticed that I have managed to work out the situation with ease with this value.
There was one thing that I would see with my father, he was not a rich man, he was heavy on alcohol consumption and would live in a very disturbed manner, still many people would come to him to keep their money safely at our home. We lived in a place where there was a small factory unit just next to our home. The people who worked there had a lot of faith on my dad and some of them did not have bank accounts in those days, so they would keep money with my dad at our home. I used to ask him, Dad don't they feel scared that you might just use up their money on alcohol, and that was the time he would always tell me, that no matter what his habits were but still just for his honesty people respected him. That was a big learning for me and I have always followed his footsteps on this.
As such for me my real strength and security and my backbone is my family. That is my Husband and my Son. And the last year brought me to test many times to understand this very deeply. Last year I was struggling with my husband's health. Though he was the one who was sick, but I was the one who was feeling weak. The whole world was spinning for me upside down in those days.
The one biggest fear I had was, how will I live without my husband, god forbid if something happens to him. I was trying to be his strength in those days but the reality was that while even on bed he was my strength in many ways. If he would have a good day, I would feel confident, if he would have a rough day, I would go weak.
This has been all the while. We have always kind of been each other's shadow and absence of anyone makes us feel lost. Yes but again when my Son was around me in those days, I would feel secure. Last year one more terrible thing happened with my Son and he became so weak that he was on this whole idea of suicide. Somehow I got to know right in time and we could work out on the whole matter. But that very moment I realized, how helpless I was without these two people in my life, and also that my whole life revolves just around these 2 people.
I feel that I am very strong and yes I am in almost every way, but I realized in these times that I am strong and I feel confident only when my boys are around me in my life. Without them I don't think I can be the person I am, and I am not sure what life will be like in absence of anyone. Emotionally I am very dependent on both of them in many ways. Their Love gives me all the strength and security I need in my life.
Life is a mixture of many things, the values we get in our childhood really go a long way. For me it was a different scene but still whatever little I learned from my dad has been valuable and they have always helped me to tackle the difficult situations of life and made me feel powerful.
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