Imagine people saying that you will get tortured for a month before killing you slowly in a place where they lock-up people/patients and do as they wish to them like injecting drugs to kill them, septic water made out of feces and feces itself, and hearing that people around you are being chopped one by one and making you believe that you will be the last person inside that placed to get murdered slowly and it happened for a few days. I guess that it will definitely leave a scar on your mental health to say the least.
As for my experience, that traumatic event which was manufactured inside my thoughts by my drugged-out brain as a side-effect of the I.V. anesthesia didn't resulted in temporary or permanent damage to my normal mental acuities. I am still the same person as before but of course with only a big ugly scar and numbness on my arm with no more ridiculous, frightening, and painful big bump in it anymore. My arm now feels lighter but thick due to the numbness in a big part of it spanning from my thumb and the half of my index finger from its base and up to the end of left side of the stitch. The numbness includes the bottom part of my lower arm and half of the top of my upper arm as well leading to the stitched part which also includes the part where the bump was removed, it is totally numb in that part.
The extent of the numbness gives me a form of anxiety which is why I am trying not to think of it that much and just be thankful that the bump was gone and I am no more in agony due to the pain and pressure made by the bump from the last couple of years that I am trying to endure. I just couldn't take it anymore because the condition is not improving but rather it was getting worse. Now thankfully my arm is freed from misery which is why I am getting a better sleep than before because I do not have to contend with how I would place my arm while trying to sleep and at the same time trying to endure the discomfort that it was causing me.
I also thought that I got a permanent vision reduction for good because my vision went so dimmed-out that I was complaining about it after a few hours from surgery and getting home from the hospital. It was bad enough that I could not see my food when I was trying to eat here at home. But of course my mother helped me by picking-out the fish meat from the bones manually. I thought that had a permanent vision loss and that I already through with my blogging hobbies for good. Part of my worry because of that was trying to manage my finances for the reason that all is done online. It took maybe a couple weeks for my vision to normalize again until it is not so dark around me anymore.
Anyway, I haven't known any people that had a very bad mental reaction to I.V. anesthetic. The ones that I saw was from YouTube videos but they have a seemingly funny reaction like this girl believing that her nose was taken off by her father and then getting upset about it and she wants it back and then her father "attached" it back and it made her happy. Then there's this guy who looks like he was enjoying it and looks like high and not showing signs of discomfort. Although these videos are from patient's reaction to dental anesthesia and categorized as funny. It is the total opposite if the tripping patient is has a negative reaction like what I had experienced a few months ago.
My brain's reaction is different, it had made me manifest paranoid schizophrenia because of what I was hearing and sometimes seeing, believing that it was true because the input to my hearing and visions are convincing but since they are very dark, evil, threatening in nature, the experience was so hellish for me more than like in the slash, kidnapping, and horror movies that we or most of us had seen. My fright was so intense that I cannot even compare it because it had given me a sense of hopelessness like a rat trapped in a cage with no more chance to escape and subjected to the mercy if any from its captors.
So add to it the factor of my online life had gotten fully compromised. There was this instance that the nurses were reading excerpts of my previous blogs and interpreting it to be used against me and showing it to my friends and family to make them feel anger towards me. It was what made my auditory hallucinations so cunningly evil and I can say brilliant way to make me fell bad about myself because it targeted my lovedones to manipulate their minds into making them think that I am no good right from the start. It includes both of my sister in-laws getting convinced first until they pointed it out to my mother which had made my mother feel very resentful of what previous good things that she had done to me. It had resulted in getting her to slap me as encouraged by one of the nurses. However I just heard it as an auditory hallucination in a third person point of view/hearing if that makes any sense at all.
The scene goes that she was made to feel so angry about me and was physically aided to go near me and slap me to take revenge. She was so weak and in pain because they actually had been torturing her for a while, taking both of her kidneys out and then inserting catheter on her neck everytime she would need a dialysis. They would also pour boiling liquid in her throat because of her complain of an itchy throat. I heard her always begging for water but just being given dirty water from the commode which she tries to drink but vomiting it all out. Of course it is just an auditory hallucination with my mind filling the cutscene to make it whole.
As you can imagine it is not like any other thing that even your own nightmares will be like some exciting dreams in comparison. Even my father had suffered the same faith in my hallucinated thoughts sounds that I heard which is not there. My father was almost being half-dead already because of the beatings that he suffered which includes all of his teeth knocked-out from his mouth. Eventually they got rid of him by killing him which gave me a sense of relief because at least he will not suffer anymore about the most evil and brutal torture that they were doing to him in that ward but are really not happening, just hallucinated sounds and visons manufactured by my then vulnerable brain following my AVF's partial removal and graft operation plus the I.J. catheter placement in my neck.
I just regarded my psychological experience as a manifestation of my fears in life like losing my family which are so precious I do not even want to see them getting ill or worst, to depart from this world. I feel like I am so far away from this world that if one or two of my parents would no longer be with me to support me emotionally and physically, then it will make my life so much harder than before. It is one thing that I was always thinking about and I can say that it bother's me a lot because I know that there is a big possibility that it can happen, my parents are aging although both of them are far more better than the people of their age especially mother who still has a sharp mind that I often ask her about dates and events if I want to recall about it.
So it pays a lot if your lifestyle is different and in the healthier side because my parents just eat simple foods like fish and vegetable especially my mother who doesn't eat chicken, pork, and seafoods. She is just contented with fish either fried, as an ingredient to thin soup with vegetables or more often just cooked with vinegar with seasonings. My mother has allergies with regards to eating chicken and seafoods which is why her diet is very limited. She has a very good appetite and I assume that she can even eat rice with only salt to flavor it to make it palatable. She is used to eating bland foods because she trained herself not to eat salty foods. My father in the other hand eats a more variety of foods including drinking milk and eating cheese whereas my mother doesn't consume those because of her lactose intolerance which I unfortunately inherited from her, however my other siblings has no lactose intolerance except me and my mother in our family.
My temporary state of paranoia and or schizophrenia also manifested my fear of not being able to support myself financially. With the kind of medical needs that I have which is a money pit indeed will make any person to even change their mobile numbers and block me in social media for the fear of me contacting them to ask for financial help. However I had never asked anyone to help me financially other than asking my brother to pay my hospital bills temporarily because I am on the hospital and could do financial transactions to pay for it which I eventually paid later when I got back home when I had an appendectomy following the new year last 2020, right before the pandemic hit and caused a great inconveniences for travel and also availing many hospitals services like surgery and other medical procedures.
My greatest fear about my finances and social media life didn't escape from the mercy of my temporary messed-up brain. It was also targeted to make me feel as helpless as a person stuck on a 2x2 meters island with only little time to survive. The auditory hallucination about it had made me feel so hopeless after that imaginary person in the left side of my room which is only separated by curtains began to navigate on my smartphone and saying how much money that they robbed from me. It had gotten worse for me after my brother pranked me in telling my parents to say that my Facebook has indeed been hacked when he contacted them to show me that they are still alive.
Later in that messenger app, the "elite group's" "own "very sophisticated" messenger app with a logo of "A.I." to make me in what I am seeing and talking to in that app was my parents, until the app glitched and momentarily revealed three person's faces, showed me my smartphone and laptop still in the house after I asked my parents to show those to me although again I didn't trusted them since I am really convinced that they were not really my parents and those gadgets are just clones as I already mentioned it. I know that I no longer had my smartphone with me in the ward because I already handed it over to my mother a short while I am raging in the dialysis treatment area before I got hooked-up and restrained in the dialysis treatment area at the hospital. So thanks to that bad prank of my brother I got convinced for a while that all of my entire online accounts went to other people's hands and that soon I will die a disgraceful and lingering death captive or not in that highly cursed and forsaken ward, in my terrible hallucinations that is.
Because of all these psychological manifestations from my effed-up brain, you can already tell that I am a person with real pressing issues in life that really make my world up-side down in a matter of hours. Well I guess that all of us are worried about something but in my case, being a person with disabilities, it will only take a major event to happen in my current life's settings and condition to make my life very miserable. All the factors that are keeping me to be able to continue with my life are still here and I just want to continue to have them until my final breath. It is true that I fear for my life but what I actually fear is pain and fading away slowly. There is still an excitement in my life like being involved in cryptocurrencies and utilizing it plus the fact that it can also change my life for the best, more than I can imagine.
That is why I couldn't be more thankful enough about Bitcoin and other altcoins because it had been an instrument to literally save me from slow death and dying painfully after my Leontiasis condition had improved. Now I am just using vitamin K2 MK-7 to support my bones, I am taking two capsules now and the effect of it had made me tolerate sitting up again for longer compared to when I was in the hospital for my AVF surgery although now I felt the difference of doubling the dose of Vitamin K2 MK-7. I also changed my diet by not consuming egg yolks anymore and because of that I was able to get a relief from itching skin due to the effects of elevation of phosphorus in my system, so now I am getting somewhere and is expecting more improvements to my bone health.
Now that my brain is no longer in the influence of the side-effects of the anesthesia and possibly those drugs that the psychiatrist had given me thanks to the lady security officer that called contacted him, I am freed from those toxic side-effects of those drugs. Not that they are bad drugs but it is because my current body is more vulnerable from negative reactions compared to other patients and the fact that I am a dialysis patient for more than two decades already. I am very thankful that in some ways I am more fortunate compared to others of being in the same situation and I just chosen to continue on because I am believing that the morrow will be the one worrying about me by the mercy of God.
A time of great anguish but thank God he was able to overcome the adversity of the effects of the drug after the surgery.
My dad, as a dialysis patient, always said that you had to be encouraged to endure the difficulties of dialysis.
I will be looking forward to your writings.
deepl translator
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