....The Angels weren't very happy at being dragged away from constructing new universes just to pacify Gods tantrum with his little hobby called Earth, but he was the boss.
Staring around the office and trying to ignore how sexy Lilith looked as she wriggled that perfect body into her dress, he said to everyone,
“How the fuck can I put this right without breaking my own rules?”
Raphael, forever the sensible one, asked him "Explain again where it was that you went wrong, exactly... and lets work from there, eh?"
God sighed, and extinguished a newly built supernova in doing so.
“ I put the tree of knowledge in the wrong bloody place, didn't I?"
Lucy giggled, and then immediately apologized for his outburst.
"Sorry boss, I didn't mean to laugh...but it is kinda funny."
Ignoring Lucy, God continued...
"...and now I've got Adam and Eve, who've took a bite from the fruit of a tree that was supposed to be on a mountain top in Wales... They're wondering what amazing delights they can experience with that squirrel..."
He continued, " They weren't supposed to discover curiosity for a few millennia and only then after enduring the trials and hardships of discovering the place that I call *Wales”.
*(it's been said by many reliable sources that J.R.R Tolkien actually visited Wales during his writing of The Lord of The Rings. He happened to go there during a particularly pleasant period of weather - the warmest and sunniest days that Wales had ever experienced, in fact. ...He used the observations he'd made of the country, as the inspiration for Mordor, in his classic trilogy )
A sketch made by Tolkien while overlooking Cardiff...(The brightest and sunniest day in all of recorded history in Wales).
In a fit of self recrimination and frustration, God put a spell on the place that he called Wales by cursing any peoples who went there, to force them to speak in a language that required them to perpetually cough up phlegm if they were ever to be understood.
...fun fact-ish
He later on, perfected that same spell at a place now called Babel(or Babylon) just for shits and giggles, and then blamed Lucy for it...He couldn't just take responsibility for it and ruin the image that he'd been promoting hard for centuries, down in the earth realm...
Getting over his hissy fit and calming down a little, he asked what ideas, if any, did the angels have about his fixing this predicament.
Angel Raphael spoke up first, “Why don't you make Adam and Eve leave the garden of Eden to make there own way in the world? I know it's not very fair, I mean - it was you who put the bloody tree in the wrong place, but it could work out as a good distraction to help keep your timeline on track."
"How so ?" God asked.
Raphy continued, "Well, if you give 'em some serious major guilt trips to contend with, and then throw in some terrorizing fear of your almighty wrath, for them being naughty, then and it might just keep those naked bears in their place, at least until you can come up with a better idea...
It's not perfect, I know, but with enough guilt and fear I recon you can make 'em stop being curious for centuries."
"Yeah, but a few centuries ain't very long, is it?" Lucy piped up. "You need something to scare to the living shit outta them for like, millennia."
"Stop being so goddamn negative, will ya?", Raphael snapped at Lucy, "It's only a suggestion."
"Ha!" God shouted, "Well done boys ! I just think that I've come up with a solution!"
All the Angels went silent.
Lucy stopped groping Lilith.
"Bear with me here," God said, "I'm thinking out loud, winging it on my cloud so to speak.... But how's about this?...We make Me look all good and caring by making an opposite of me... someone who's like, reeeeally bad."
He paused...
"And I think Raphys onto something. If we give 'em enough fear to contend with, there's no way they're gonna start thinking about stuff. They'll be far too busy shitting themselves and finding ways to make me happy, to even consider asking any questions about other things !"
"I see a hole in your idea," Lucy said.
"Well you bloody would, wouldn't you?" God said, thinking why was Lucy always the one to see holes in his arguments?
It really naffed him off but, he couldn't deny the fact that Lucy's contrarian views and downright annoying habit of being himself, and the way he looked a things, had really paid dividends in the past.
Gravity, for example.
That was Lucy's idea.
God couldn't deny the brainwave of gravity, and knew that without Lucy piping up and irritating the shit outta him while he was designing a few planets, there would have be none.
He knew full well that if he missed that 'gravity bit' out of the equation, all his lifeforms would be just floating around all over the place, and would have been a monumental disaster.
"Ok, Luce," God sighed again, carefully avoiding the destruction of a very impressive supernova that Raphy had on the go, "What is it this time?"
"Well," Lucy said, "If you give 'em loads of fear and they have nothing to pin that fear on, except for some grumpy version of you, it wont be very long before they notice that nothing really bad is ever happening to them.
They'll soon lose the fear of munching on that fruit, and of your wrath, in no time...Ya gotta up your game if that's the way you want to play things."
" And what would suggest, smarty pants?" God said, begrudgingly seeing Lucy's reasoning.
"Well, in my opinion, what you need to do is a three pronged campaign.
It's not enough to just deal in the spiritual world, they won't take it at all too seriously.
What you need to do is present 'em with the opposite of you for PR purposes, while at the same time, give 'em some real world fears to keep 'em busy."
Lucy continued....He was really getting into his stride..
"You need to give 'em some real world fears, ones that are so deeply ingrained that they can't be just shrugged off as easy as you just presenting them with some notional spiritual opposite of you. What you need to do is create a fear of losing control.
That'll really fuck with their heads.
There's no way they're gonna have time to focus on anything else...."
He paused (for dramatic effect..).
..." Not only that, you make this fear of losing control, appear differently to them, depending on whether they're a man or a woman!...It's a double whammy, I tell ya's.... I'm a marketing fucking genius, is what I am!"
"So what you're saying," Said God, "Is that we make 'em scared of disappointing me by letting them know that they shouldn't have touched the tree of knowledge, while at the same time, have some annoying twat run around down there, doing some horrible stuff that makes me look nice, all the while giving 'em loads of conflicting fears of losing control, which depends entirely on what dangly bits that they have?"
"Yeah, pretty much..." Lucy replied, trying not to appear very smug and failing very badly.
"It does make sense," Raphy spoke up..."In fact, if the marketing campaign is done successfully, I see no reason why we can't keep 'em from asking any half intelligent questions for at least five millennia or so....", Adding, "Oh, have you moved that tree yet, by the way?...you know, from Eden to Wales?"
" Yes I bloody well have," God snapped, defensively.
"It's stuck on some really awful mountain that I made. No one's gonna find that for a while...They're gonna be far too busy repenting and saying sorry to me, and scaring themselves half to death with the fear of losing control, to get up to any other mischief..,"
...Adding cheerfully
"And if they can do that for half a dozen millennia, they'll be back in the same space/time continuum of my intended idea and the time they were supposed to quaff down the fruits from the tree of knowledge.... My earth hobby will be back on track!”
Those gathered looked around the room, seeing if anyone had anything else to add.
"There's just one thing..." Lucy said.
"Ah for fucks sake, what now?" God shouted.
"I hate to be the bearer of light on this, but it just wont work, as is." Lucy said.
"Why the hell not?" God said, exasperated..."It was your bloody idea !"
"Indeed it was, and a very good one it was to, but..."
"I bet his 'but' isn't half as nice as my butt, " Lilith interjected, giving a twirl so they could all check out the goods.
She was getting bored of all this serious talk...
"But," Lucy carried on (after checking out the goods)
"...It won't work because of this....
Lucy then spent the next 34 millennia explaining in detail why it wouldn't work...
This penguin is trolling "god" into digging his own grave lol. Millennia of explaining? That's one patient bird.
lolol...nooooooooooo...Reg has no clue as to whats going on - he's a penguin, silly !