it sucks to be me

Currently, I am very frustrated. I'm really just writing to let steam off from my chest.

!!!Trigger Warning: Negativity/Depression!!!

I'm in my pit right now... This dark, sad place that I retreat to whenever I'm hurt. I frequent this place a lot these days. Don't get me wrong, I do try my best to think positive and find silver linings. But let's be real here, my life is not always rainbows and butterflies. I eat pain for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Pain is pretty much a part of my daily activities. Aside from my pain, I think no one really understands me. I feel totally emo right now. My friend dubbed me "SAD GIRL" because of all the sorrowful aura I exude.

If you've been following my posts, you know that I'm on dialysis for 7 years now. My health had declined in the past few years and I've developed bone issues too (osteoporosis). I'm unable to walk or stand up without any support. This frustrates me because I used to be a very independent woman. I guess, in a way, it hurts my pride that I always have to ask for help when I need to do anything right now. Imagine having to call on your husband, or your child, every time you need to poop? I can't imagine what a burden I've become. It's sad.

You know how hard it is being unable to stand on your own? If I wake up early and would want to do something like cook breakfast for my family, I can't do it without help. I'd have to wake Toph or H to get out of bed. If it's nothing important, I'd have to wait until they wake up before I could get out of bed. Being this way makes me feel helpless and useless. When I was healthier, I'd do everything by myself but look at me now! I feel so worthless.

My family also has things to do. Toph works from home, he needs to be able to answer chats/emails as soon as they come in so I couldn't really bother him when he's working. H has her online classes and she also couldn't be bothered then. If their schedules overlap, there's no one to assist me if ever I need to do anything. I would just have to patiently wait for someone to help me out with whatever it is I need to do. I don't want to impose, I don't want to be a bother, I don't ever want to burden anyone with my presence.

I honestly don't want to be sad and depressed. I used to be so carefree, so happy-go-lucky... I was the kind of friend who'd go anywhere with you, I was fun-loving and adventure-seeking... What have I become now? Am I just a shell of the person I used to be?

I do try my best. I try to carry my own weight around here. I'm still working to pay for my medical needs and I do shoulder most of the utility fees in this household. I still try to cook when I can. I still try to be a good mom and a good wife. I am trying my best, I really am.

But I am also tired.