There are a lot of things from my past that I am thankful I gave up on. My anger and 'unforgiveness' are two of them.
I didn't know where all of that came from. I was barely 18. I hadn't even suffered too much pain by that time but I was bitter and angry and I would never let anything go.
Shockingly, I wasn't revengeful. I didn't even know there was a thing like getting even to set yourself free. Or maybe I did, but it wasn't my thing. I just wrote it down in my large paged diary every time someone offended me. Dates, name of the offender and the offence and it always meant one thing for me - cancelling the offender from my life.
I don't remember a time I ever tried to pay anyone back in their coins, but keeping those records did as much damage as revenge would've done.
I hurt every time. I had my diary every day too and it was more like a constant reminder to stay angry. So every time I flipped through the pages, my anger grew mightier than it ever was.
I knew I was going the wrong way but I didn't have the might to stop myself. I didn't even know I could talk to God about them. But one day, I did and I found myself gradually letting go of all the resentment and anger that I bored within me.
I was heavily burdened from anger on people most of who didn't even know they wronged me. I had burnt so many bridges by then and ended so many friendships even before they started.
But I would look for a way to heal myself. I did find. I found peace with some of them who did little or no wrong to me. I wrote to them. I texted them. And some of who wouldn't respond, I picked the little courage I had in me and went to them.
It didn't work out well with everyone then but I am glad I ever tried. That I am a better human now.
I am not totally a forgiving person now though. You know the thin line that lies between forgiveness and forgiveness? It is where I stand with one leg inside forgiveness.
I think being unforgiving is not completely a bad thing. Neither is it completely a good thing too. I just think it all depends on how one wants to run their lives.
I have chosen forgiveness although I still stand that some things are unforgivable. I am still learning to create a balance between the two; to not be too much or too little on either side, so much that it will make me lose myself again.
And for as much as I can remember now, there's just one person on earth who I still hold this unforgiveness for. And who I will be willing to forgive if he genuinely apologizes.
Yes, my forgiveness means a lot to him - he doesn't know this.
But I do not carry this grudge in my heart anymore. I have let it go - even though I haven't forgiven.
Now I forgive and forget completely, and I let go but don't forgive sometimes.
What's something from your past you're thankful you have let go of?
