Whenever it rains, and its earthy scent - the petrichor - hits my senses, memories come flashing and I go back in time. - Shon Mehta
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I love my garden after the rain. There is something absolutely magical about inhaling the smell of wet earth as your feet sink themselves into the damp ground beneath you. It is like time stops around you as you meander around this silent space which is anything but empty.
I am finding that I love the cooler, wetter season more and more as I get older, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I seem to revel in solitude more than company these days and the rain always pulls me inward.
I needed the rain today. I needed to step inside myself because it has been a little while since I paid myself a truthful but tender internal visit. Isn’t it funny how we often only become reflective when things derail, but when the sun is shining in our lives, we seem to forget about our inner selves.
Seven years ago I wrote a blog post here called “Have you ever met yourself” and today I was taken back to that moment in time. Reminded of how much it hurt and wondering as I wandered around my little slice of green in this world, how it is that somehow the little girl in me, so many years later - feels more broken inside now than I ever did back then.
Women are magnificent that way. They can literally be falling apart at the seams on the inside - their internal world crumbling in every single direction they turn, but nobody ever sees it. From that first stare in the mirror as the day begins, to the moment they close their eyes, shut the world out, curl up and pray that tomorrow will bring them that strength again.
Today, I looked at myself in the mirror - annoyed that despite everything endured in the years passed, that I have neglected that wounded little girl within and keep subjecting her to the same things which broke her in the first place. Now, as I look at her, it seems as though she has regressed rather than flourished and I only have one person to blame - myself.
I stare down at my feet on the wet ground and find myself stuck as the tears fall from my face, hitting the ground in a parallel dance with the rain. I saw how wounded she was so many years ago and then I could reach her, now she is out of reach and I will have to start all over again if I am to get her to embrace my outstretched hand.
Today, I needed to move outward to step inward. Cannot say I really enjoyed the trip, but those are generally the most necessary ones - good or bad. I hope it rains again tomorrow so I can visit her again.
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Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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