I had my last drink five years ago, early on the morning of January 1, 2013. I think it was around 2 am. I wouldn't describe myself as an alcoholic. I should have said I had a few drinks. But I was killed. If I tried to ride, write or talk in public, I would have done these things in the way. Feeling neither happy nor sad, I picked up the glass and gulped down the drink. It is a type of fruit punch. At the time, I didn't think it would be my last drink. I think this will be my last drink until my birthday, April 30th. For ten years, I spent the first four months of every year without drinking alcohol. There are two exceptions. One year, I started drinking on April 27, because I was on a boat in port and they gave me a glass of wine. I hated myself for those three days. Another year, I did not stop in March, but I punished myself for this time with eight months of sobriety instead of the usual four.
But perhaps, I often thought that sobriety was not exactly a punishment. I am interested in the mind. I slept well. I lost weight and my skin became lighter. I feel very well. My concentration has improved; I can read a book in a few hours. My mind is sharper. I feel lighter, happier. I was late, sweaty, and drunk at the appointment. I have more time. I remember the conversation after 15 weeks of total abstinence; The man I was talking to told me that he didn't want me to be young. It really stands out. Sobriety rejuvenates you like nothing else.
Then my birthday, the day I was drinking, came around. I have a feeling of panic, a feeling of nausea that I don't want to start drinking again, and a feeling of nausea that I want. I wanted to drink for exactly the same reason I didn't want to drink: because I had a drinking problem. Drink seemed to have a strange brain-sucking power over me. On my birthday, I would wake up with the same anxiety I used to get before a date or a party. I will start drinking again. Tonight, I will be in another world.
When I try to explain my drinking problem, it goes like this: in my head, I'm a heavy drinker, but after one drink, I'm not. The more I drink, the more I want to drink. Drinking made me thirsty. I want the second cup more than the first, I want the fifth more than the fourth. My thirst continued to increase throughout the evening. But it increased, more subtly, in a month, a year, a decade. Alcohol has given me something, but I feel like it's taking away from me more than I'm giving, the only way I can get myself back is to drink too much, all the alcohol is starting to spoil my mind But I quit and stayed sober for 120 days. Being sober felt good. Why do I keep drinking again?
The first day of sobriety helped me. On the first day, I woke up hungry.The next day, I woke up and put my head under the covers, feeling pain and sickness. For a few seconds, my mind was racing. What do I have to fight last night? How much will I go? And then I’d remember: nothing. I drank nothing. But without the mask of the allergen, my mind felt strange and insecure; Any feeling can arise and spread for several hours. At that time, I understood why my drinking problem was due to my mental state. I didn't see the need, I didn't drink in secret. Being sober reminded me of heavy smokers whose urge to smoke disappears on long plane rides. They know they can't smoke, so they forget about it. Marc Lewis, a neurologist and addiction specialist, explained to me that it is the same as when you put a piece of meat in the refrigerator and your dog barks at the door, screams and tries to force him. But if you can convince the dog that the door is locked, he will stop whining and go away.
Every year, I stopped whining and walked away.In the evening, I drink tea. I noticed that most people, almost everyone really, didn't care if I drank alcohol at their party or not. Some people don't even understand it. I just said, "I don't drink anymore." » People will say, "Okay." » On the plane, I was happy not to drink a small bottle of wine. I don't drink alcohol, I don't take small sips of this or that. I. I had the misconception that the next time I started drinking again, things would be better. But it was never like that. I can't drink in moderationI always wanted more. I can't control how much I drink, as if my brain is damaged. What is wrong, it will get worse as the years go by - heat is worse than water, fall is worse than heat. During the time I drank, I had another persistent fantasy, which would come to mind from time to time: a large glass of strong vodka, sparkling under a layer, so strong that it smells like water. Perfect drink. It was my fantasy when I was drinking, and it was still my fantasy the day I had my last drink, a fruity one, in the early hours of January 1, 2013. In just 120 days, I think, the big fat vodka will be there, and some beautiful minimalist wines, waiting for me.
In the five years since then, I haven't touched alcohol, and I don't want to. My drinking time seems so long ago, it's almost like someone else's life. Drinking - the thought of drinking - seems to bother me. Drinking acidic or spicy drinks to make yourself fall? Stupid! I feel as drunk as I did when I was ten years old. It is dangerous; It's disgusting; It causes cancer; It makes your liver and let you know and feel like a sick person. However I never stopped thinking that I made me well, a long time, why I allowed the part of my life, the side I will not return. What drink gave me better than mind? What exactly is its magic?I went to see Drummond at the end of November 2017 because I wanted to get a sense of knowledge about my alcohol consumption. We are sitting in his office on the Denmark Hill campus of King's College. He listened and took notes as I told him my story. In school, I was told, we are always being checked; Sometimes you can sneak out without anyone noticing. I started smoking when I was 15. strong beer in cans; vodka in a quart bottle, hidden in the toilet tank; bar. I always wanted to escape. Drinking isn't really an escape, or a form of escape. At school, I often felt trapped and weak; Drinking can make me feel better for a while. Patterns begin to form in my brain, a form of learning.
It's not the kind of learning you're supposed to do in school, but learn anyway. Drink made me feel bad too - sick and had a headache afterwards. But good things turned bad. I remember the taste of strong beer, the feeling of strength in my hands, the rise of bubbles in my nose, I also remember the golden color of the beer in the bar, its freshness when I first drank it , of that feeling. of the purity and joy it gave me as I devoured it. One day I was in a bar, when I was 16 years old, and I took a sip of lager from a pint glass, and it was good, and the perfection was written in my mind, for decades, I bought pints of lager and drank them. but sometimes, I feel like there is a thread that connects me to my childhood.
After a while, I told Drummond, a pattern appeared - one I had never seen before. My drinking got fit and started. Many in school. Then I did a lot during my gap year. Not so much in college. Then I moved to London, worked as a freelance journalist, and started drinking heavily. Three years later, when I moved to London, I didn't drink much; six years later, when I went back again, I drank too much. Bars, pubs, pub and bar drinkers, and home drinkers have all invaded my social network. Wine has become an important part of my life. That's when I started trying to quit. When I was talking with Drummond, I thought about this principle. There are three stages of alcoholism, each worse than the last.
In the first two attacks, when I was a teenager and when I was in my twenties, I reacted to the pressures - of school, of work - by drinking alcohol. During the third attack, when the consumption of alcohol increased significantly, it was as if the alcohol itself had become a stressor. Some people drink alcohol, drink more alcohol, and sometimes they become addicted to alcohol. I have always liked the bottles, their style, their logo and their glass. Just looking at them made me want it. I want to know which pubs have the strongest beer and cider, if any. I love walking around wine shops, picking up bottles and holding them in my hands. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I would go to the bar for a few minutes and talk to the person in the back about wine or whiskey. For a year, I attended a course in biology, because alcohol seemed to me to be civilized.
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