Ever get the impression that you are always held responsible for all family members problems, regardless of what you do? If your mom messed up and did not recall your brother's birthday, or if your sister skipped the family meal, it's your fault. One moment, everything is good. When someone or a group is blamed for a negative event or someone else's actions, this is known as scapegoating. It can occur not only to defend oneself but also to safeguard the family's reputation or those who are favored inside the family. A single person is frequently used as a scapegoat, but it can also happen to multiple people.
It is typical in dysfunctional houses where children are held responsible for all issues, and it usually begins in childhood. It is infuriating and unjust, and it can seriously damage your self-esteem. Children who are made the family scapegoat may suffer lifelong harm to their emotional and mental health. Furthermore, it leads to a parenting style that disregards the scapegoated child's intrinsic value, virtue, and loveability. Rather, the child pushed into this situation is seen to be worthy of maltreatment, neglect, bullying, and insults.
The process of choosing a family scapegoat is complicated. Birth order, gender as well, physical features, or identity can all be used as bases. Adults frequently abuse children who remind them of another person as a kind of projection. Regardless of the underlying causes, it can have detrimental side effects such as self-harm, toxic relationships, trauma, and boundary issues. Prioritize your health and get over any childhood trauma if you have experienced scapegoating. It's crucial to take care of yourself, but therapy and social support may assist you escape and heal from this job you never accepted.
The Selection Process for Scapegoats.
A parent may choose to blame a child for a variety of reasons, but the child is never at fault. Some arbitrary elements that can affect this, even though some may seem absurd, include:
Gender, birth order, and appearance Skin color and intelligence Gender identity and/or sexual orientation The lone boy in the family, for instance, may be the golden kid or beloved, while the second-born female is made the scapegoat. However, a narcissistic parent may scapegoat the child who does not improve the family's public image while favoring the child who provides the greatest glory to the family.
A parent's decision to use a child as a scapegoat usually defies logic because this conduct stems from dysfunction. For instance, a parental figure who lacks in receptive attentive, visually appealing, and intelligent traits may view their child as a danger and use them as a scapegoat. In certain situations, parents may abuse children who evokes memories them of their former relationships. For instance, biological children may receive different treatment in the household than stepchildren or adoptive children. The only children who report being the scapegoat at times and the golden child at others are those who had violent and dysfunctional parents. The fact that various roles can be projected onto the same child shows how distressed parents who act in this way are.
Parents who use their children as scapegoats are typically incapable of reflecting on and comprehending their projections. It's possible that they grew up in dysfunctional households where some kids were used as scapegoats while others were considered "golden children." Additionally, they may have a personality problem that causes them to think in black and white or to idealize and devalue other people, such as borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder6. Sadly, kids often internalize the idea that they are the issue and lack the life experience necessary to understand that parents who use them as a scapegoat are the ones who are at fault. They are unaware that caring and responsible parents acknowledge that everyone has talents and shortcomings rather than categorizing their kids into "all excellent" or "all terrible" positions.
CONSEQUENCES OF BEING USED AS A SCAPEGOAT.
Children are obviously disadvantaged when used as a scapegoat. This may manifest in their lives in a number of ways, such as:
ASSOCIATIONS AND WORKPLACES THAT ARE DETRIMENTAL:
It may also lead to these people pursuing friendships, love partnerships, and jobs that are damaging and abusive.
STANDARDIZING TOXIC CONDUCT:
Family scapegoats frequently find dysfunction and abuse to be "normal," which makes it hard for them to recognize dangerous individuals and environments before harm is done. Problems establishing boundaries: Abused persons find it difficult to establish boundaries and identify when the behavior of others goes too far because gaslighting is prevalent in dysfunctional homes. They're more prone to think they're being overly sensitive, exaggerated, or lacking judgment.
HARMING ONESELF OR SELF-DESTRUCTIVE:
Scapegoats have a propensity to internalize toxic messages about themselves that they have been exposed to since birth or early infancy. This may lead to the child committing self-harm or self-sabotage, such as poor academic performance, disregard for self-care, dangerous behavior, or outbursts that suggest they should be labeled the scapegoat (even when no child does). It is possible for other scapegoats to succeed in certain spheres of life, like earning honors in college or earning professional recognition. However, they can struggle with substance abuse and self-care, be attracted to spouses as heartless as their own parents, or surrender to abuse or exploitation.
Being a scapegoat could help someone recognize the toxic nature of a family. As a result of this, scapegoats may distance themselves from their birth families and seek treatment for the cruelty they endured. Furthermore, when they establish their own families, scapegoats frequently choose to break the cycle of cruelty that has been perpetuated through generations. They can promise to encourage the weaker kids in their lives or to never misuse their own kids the way they were treated.
MANAGING OLDER FAMILY SCAPEGOATING.
The responsibility of recuperating from a childhood filled with bullying, putdowns, unfair treatment, and general cruelty falls on scapegoats. They were denied the chance to grow up in a secure, stable household with their parents' or caregivers' unwavering affection. Instead, the unhealthy grownups in their lives picked them out for abuse and set them opposing their brothers and sisters or other relatives. It can take a lifetime to try to recover from this abhorrent conduct, therefore it's crucial to speak with a mental health professional that specializes in families that are dysfunctional and childhood trauma to learn how to begin the healing process.
Although everyone's definition of healing will be different, those who were used as scapegoats as children will need to make decisions about how to relate to their relatives as adults.
Make Your Mental Health a Priority: Scapegoats should learn how to set boundaries effectively if family members are still abusing them or won't get assistance. Working with an expert in mental health to discuss the subtleties of little or no contact with close family members may also be part of this.
Be ready for other family members, friends, or even complete strangers to persuade you to reconsider your boundaries. The psychological effects on children of dysfunctional households or parents who suffer from personality disorders, substance abuse, or other issues are often poorly understood. People outside of the family may presume that everyone else had wonderful parents because they did. The public image of a parent may also cause confusion for certain people. Cognitive dissonance may arise, for instance, if a parent looks affectionate in front of others, but in private, they may be abusive.
It could be advisable for you to cut off communication if your parents are still aggressive as an adult. If they feel that the abuse they experienced as children is inexcusable, some scapegoats may also choose to stop communicating. Others who were used as scapegoats as children might decide to have low contact, which means they have clear limits on the kinds of interactions they will engage in with their family members. Interacting with close relatives only by phone, email, or text may be considered low contact. It may entail seldom or never going in person to see family members or restricting visits to milestone events like weddings, funerals, graduations, holidays, or births.