Whilst they all have their place, the problem with trying to be more confident is exactly that you're trying to be more confident. And as paradoxical as this sounds, the more you try to do anything in life, the further away it feels. And this is the paradox of confidence. By trying to be more confident, you're reinforcing the belief that you're currently not confident. And this begins to show up in all areas of your life, giving you even more evidence to further reinforce this belief. And with time, this loop gets stronger and stronger until it becomes your identity.
So what should we do instead? Well, just like all paradoxes, do the exact opposite. Stop trying to be more confident and become indifferent to the opinions and judgments of others. But more importantly, indifferent to the opinions and judgments of yourself. Because something interesting happens when you start caring less.
Imagine Roger Federer, arguably the greatest tennis player of all time, started to think about what the crowd thought of his performance. He would second guess every shot, overthink every unforced error, and start performing to the crowd, rather than playing his natural game. The same happens when we're presenting or speaking to a new person. In the pursuit of wanting to come across more confident, we start performing an acting. Our focus shifts from what needs to be said to the mechanics of artificially creating confidence. We begin to over-analyze every word, judge every sentence, and become increasingly self-conscious, to a point where nerves completely take over. And to escape this situation, you start speaking more quickly, making you feel even less confident in the moment. Do this enough and you'll begin
to avoid any situation which will risk you being exposed, meaning you have fewer opportunities to practice in low-stake environments.
There's years of practice on the training ground that we don't see. And that's exactly what you need to be doing. Practice speaking to people more often until it starts feeling more natural. Because confidence is not a trait that only a few are born with. It's a skill that can be developed. And in order to do this consistently, you need to start caring less and doing more. Because if you care less, you'll do more, and by doing more,
you'll learn more. And guess what? Before you know it, you'll be that confident person you've always wanted to be, and no longer care about the opinions of others.
Pretty ironic or right, given the desire to be more confident, is usually linked to impressing others, so you can feel better about yourself. But it's time to flip this on its head, because clearly what you're doing isn't working. So instead, stop caring, and confidence will blossom from within. As a wise Philosopher once said, "You wonder from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck.