HEAVEN'S HOPE 2

Her hair had fallen out after it turned the cloudy white of summer sunset at the edge of the land
That cloudy pale blue white haze that tells you--maybe--tomorrow will come--but maybe not
It is hard to keep track of time--it marches thru every once in a while day to night-night to day with huge holes chunked throughout until the cold or heat comes again
Long ago far away when life held meaning and light she remembers a perfect day
Warm; sunny; along a beach; lying on a soft towel filled with gritty sand crystals her daughters have left as they exhaust themselves with cartwheels
Running--jumping--collecting shells and sandy treasures brought back to shake sand on her with the excitement of the find

They dig deep holes to build their dream castles
She cups the memory like a flame flicker trying to make it grow bigger
So she can find protection in the dream
If the wish was only strong enough to transport her to that spot
It would be the perfect way to die
Just fade back into the warmth of her daughters' laughter
To take the cloche of their innocence and joy--to cover the black bleeding hole of her heart
Days run into months into years into decades of loss
She was right to leave--no fairy tale endings for her
What a fool to have raised them with the hope of love and joy and laughter and kindness and caring
Fool Fool Fool Fool
As the black hand of cold reaches into her soul
She is slipping away again to days when she never felt love or safety
Did they feel that too?
Why had she not pushed harder for a conversation with them after they turned to friends, and boys and things that would steal their hearts and souls
She is wandering again- the chill just before dawn pulls at her torn blanket-
Her bald head hurts where the rain had washed the skin away
The invisible insects crwl around her eyelashes causing burning tears to come
Like the poison of her loneliness pouring through a sieve
She gathers her blanket
Pulls on shoes that never fit but keep the chiggers away.....