I'm not depressed but have a cheery disposition but I have one fear and its haunting me for a reason

I am a creature that needs emotional and physical support and the unique love that only my family can bring me plus with Go's own mercy and rapport.

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I know what a clinical depression is and that is to feel hopelessness with deep, deep sadness for no reason. So why I could say that? It is because when I was still very young I was being medicated with Phenobarbital. In the first few years I am using the full 90 mg per day so it affected my brain which caused such sinister side-effects that lasted for years. Then the dose got lessened to 60 and down to 30. I was already in high school when my mother and I decided not to go anymore to my Neurologist but my clinical depression was already over back then. That case of clinical depression raged on to the early years of in the early 80's of my life spanning up to my primary school years, the years where classic cartoons are shown on the weekends like Thumbelina, The Smurfs, and all those Hanna-Barbera classic cartoons. I am glad that I was able to overcome it maybe due to the gradual adjustment of the does by my Neurologist from 90 mg and down to 30 mg. I can still remember the face of the doctor and I wonder how he is doing right now. So like I said, we stopped going to his clinic during my early high school years because. I seem not to get well or healed from my mild epilepsy anyway as we thought and partly, we do not want to spend money anymore because we are out of budget for it already. Anyway, my visit to the doctor coincides to when my bottle of Phenobarbital would run-out which is 100 tables per small bottle. Now those many trips through the years are very nostalgic for me because we were going to the doctor right before when I was still have no recollection from what happened up to when I was already grown higher compared to my mother's height in my early high school years.

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My drug-induced clinical depression ruined some years of my childhood but to deal again with this later years of my life full of hardships and more is what frustrates me the most.

That depression was long gone but I learned from it by knowing the difference of being clinically depressed and being "just depressed" which goes away after a short period of time. But now what I am feeling is a lot of frustration because of the things that I wasn't able to do and wasn't able to learn and on top of that wasn't able to meet new friends, new "true" friends, make a future wife perhaps and make a future family, going to new places, and all that, etc. It is kind of I am imprisoned by my own circumstance because of the series of illnesses that I still suffer until now. What is bad about it is that I may have the necessary funds to supposedly "heal" me but both of my medical illness by the stroke of bad luck are not viable to get cured as my Kidney is caused by my own immune system attacking the supposed new transplanted Kidney and then the nature of my liver getting more vulnerable because of the medications which I have to take will also hurt it in the process. So once upon a time I was hoping to get funds for my major medical issues but it then turned out to be a sandwich of comorbidities complicating each other no matter what conventional medicine can do. In short, my medical condition is incurable especially now that I have a problem with my bones and that doctors are already giving-up at the sight of my appearance. So it is a major "pinned set-back" and no amount of money can do anything to fix it if now too much expenses will happen just to solve this tangled medical problems of my body. My frustration in my life is so high that I already exhausted my tears over it a long time ago. So my life mission now is to just lessen the pain to my body and breath well while my appetite seems to have gone permanently I have no more intentions but to make myself and my parents much comfortable as we pass the time in the sunset and "early sunset" (for me) of our lives.

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Now all I need is to have much comfort in life that I can get because of my early goals that I can never have.

But I have now a deep fear about my bad disposition in life and that is to lose my family members especially my parents which are my emotional support which are the ones that cares for my well-being. Without them and the rest of my immediate family I will not be fairing well anymore because of my medical condition being so dependent on other people to help me-out. I just wish to earn more money so that I can be able to hire people which can help me for my everyday physical needs so that at least I can be able to survive this world but I am already feeling "that future" of my life will be harder than I can imagine because of the extended time that I was with my parents and the fact that I might not cope once they were gone or if it happens that I outlive them. It sucks to realize this kind of fear about my future which is a real fear that I do not even want to think about and I should not think about. I hate the fact that I am physically reliant to other people or to burden other people because of my disabilities which I can feel within and manifests on my outward appearance. So again my aim is to have the mercy of God to my soul from those tragical days of my life which is why it is an utmost importance to prepare for it financially as I already mentioned to let money do what I needed to happen to at least not physically feel the circumstances done by not having enough people to care for my physical needs while my emotional support cannot be filled by anyone anymore when that supposed tragic time happens. So because of that, my reliance on God's mercy will increase because I know that my basic need of love will be cut for sure and thus maybe driving me into either depression again and hopelessness but I am hoping not for the reason that I do not know about my future holds for me and that I might be thinking negatively although I know that losing my family members is a great tragedy for me because I do not have much people to give me love and support except my family.

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My fear about what is inevitable to come if things go "south" where I am heading is very real that it is starting to affect me already, my only hope is that God would fill that "void" in my life where no one will never care about me and it is a big reason for my lips to pout.