This is what I was afraid of. I had hoped I'd manage to sneak out of my employment before someone even attempted to convince me to stay. But yesterday my fears came true and I was offered a reasonable compromise that would on paper resolve all my issues.
But my problem is, if someone makes me feel like I'm needed and useful and can contribute some value then obviously my first automatic reaction is - sure, I'd love to be useful and save everyone and the day, except myself.Managed to talk to my folks about it today, managed to cry twice realising this pattern of me not being able to say no and needing to save everyone at the expense of myself. And finally came to the conclusion - I love you all, but I have to figure out my own way.
Even if for a while I'm not as productive and can't contribute as much as before. Even if I can't save the day and everyone in it. I have to find MY path. Before life gives me a hard reset.Now the thing is, I know I could easily move mountains if I felt like people believed in me, but the only reason I feel like I have to look for that support outside of myself is because I am to a degree not yet 100% sure I can pull this off as seamlessly as I would like to, but I know I will.
Eventually. When I finally reach full clarity. Because when I know full heartedly what it is that I want I go for it relentlessly, and I get there. The only question is how personally do I take this..
~Josie~
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